My Pathetic Life

Hello out there. To those of you that are not in constant contact with me, this is for you. My husband, J., is back in the hospital again. He tried to rob a bank this morning because I wouldn't give him his money so he could buy " two turntables and a microphone". He is of course manic again. They let him out of the hospital too soon. They let him out last Thursday and he has taken off on me 5 times since then. He hasn't slept much in the last 4 days so of course he is crazy again. He only kind of understands what is going on with him. He understands that he is bipolar, but he doesn't seem to get that his behavior has anything to do with it.
So with all of this I am at my wits end. I am so far from being O.K. I do have a lot of friends and family scattered across the U.S. that are all trying to help me. But what I truly need is to be able to fall apart. To have someone hold me and let me cry it all out. To come to my house and clean it up and take care of my son. I just don't have anything left to go on. I am not saying I am suicidal. I love my son too much for that. I would never leave him like that. But unfortunately this is my life, for good or bad, right now. I am just truly exhausted. I haven't hardly slept, or eaten very well. My son of course hasn't either. So we are both fighting colds.
Hopefully, now that the right people seem to be involved with my husbands case, he will finally get better. But of course that will take some time. We are waiting to see which facility he will be transferred to and that is what I am doing. Just waiting. Not knowing which way I will turn next. Not sure if I am willing to even stay in the same city. Not sure if I am going to stay married. Everything is up in the air.
I am trying to get help for all of the issues going on. I do have some childcare. I am talking to people. I could probably use a therapist to talk to though. So for now this is my outlet. This is my therapy. Thank you.

Blessed Be.

My Privacy is Gone

This sucks!! I feel like my anonymity is gone. Too many people that I know in real life know about my secret place. The one that I wanted to be my hideaway for my true open thoughts. But now, when I really need it most I can't articulate what is racing through my mind. I want so badly to write about a particular subject and feel that I will let a lot of people down if I do. This was supposed to be my safe haven. My journal. The place where I could truly be completely honest and get it out of my head for my own therapy. Not just a place for people to see what is going on with me. That was the whole reason for not using my name or photo.
I am in total despair at the moment. I was looking through some old journals from my life and realize that I am most likely clinically depressed again. I am sure that I should see someone to get this all off of my chest, but I have to be the strong one and take care of my pathetic husband. I am alone and hating it. I know I have friends and family who are being extremely supportive. But I really need one of them to be HERE with me. To give me a giant hug and tell me everything is going to be O.K. That my life, as much as it feels like it is falling apart, is not all that bad. But the response that I am getting from some people is that I should just leave my husband and move on. But then I feel guilty because if I do that, then where will he be. I am stuck in a paradox. I love him, but I don't. I want him home, but I don't. I want to feel free to discuss what is really on my mind, but I don't.
There is only one redeeming quality of feeling like this, the creativity it springs forth. I have always been an artistic sort. I used to paint a draw quite a bit. But then for a long time I haven't, cause I was pretty happy with my life. But I have always had some sort of craft project going. Lately I have been crocheting a lot. Then I stopped. Now it seems as though writing and making my blog beautiful is top priority. And then the wave of crappy emotions come rushing back.
I am trying to feel all of my emotions. I am unfortunately emotionally tied to food. And sinced it is one of the things in life we can't live without, it is a hard addiction to break. The weird thing is that the last few days, I haven't been overeating. Just not eating well. I tend to just get fast food, cause I don't have the time to cook right now. Plus I am exhausted. I don't really feel like doing anything. I am just too tired. I know this is all very normal considering what is going on in my life, but it doesn't make me any happier about it. Then there is the cookie dough lurking in my fridge. It beckons me everyday. But I actually have been eating less of it. Is it because I have actually been FEELING all of this pain and frustration?
But I keep telling myself, " This is my life and I chose it." Which is totally true. I chose to marry my husband even with all of the crap we went through beforehand. I chose to have a baby with him. I have chosen to stay with him. I didn't choose his disease. But didn't I marry "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad" ? this is definitely the bad, sick and worse. I just want things to get better. I want to feel better about my situation. And I want to stop thinking about a particualr subject. But that all feels very difficult right now.
Blessed Be.

I'm riding a horse daddy!

well hello there

Pics of D.

Isn't he cute and looking like what do you mean I can't do that?

Here are some pics of my son

this is one of my favorite ones. He is under the bed.

Update on Crisis

Well my husband was finally transferred to the psyche ward last night around 5:30. It was ridiculous. I hate hospital buerocracy. They kept him in the medical ward cause they wanted to rule out a heart problem, which there wasn't one. I knew that it was just because he was agitated from not sleeping and not eating or being on his meds. But doctors don't listen to you. I knew he just needed his meds and a new anti-psychotic. Then he would feel back to normal. But the doctors didn' t want to order any new meds and they just wanted to wait and see. So bacically J. just got worse instead of better at the hospital. How crappy is that? So I am hating the system today and I just want my husband on his new meds and back home. I will get to visit him this evening for a couple of hours , plus I need to call the hospital to check his progress.

Blessed Be.

We Are In A Family Crisis

My husband J. has bi-polar disorder and is currently manic. He has completely lost it and is also driving me crazy as well. This all started about a week ago when we were fighting over stupid crap and I didn't really know why. This is a usual sign that he is in impending trouble. But I missed it. Then he didn't sleep for a couple of days. He has been studying for this test for a certification for work and he was supposed to take it on Fri. Well he comes home and says that they overbooked and they didn't have a spot for him, even though we already paid for it. Weird. Then we go to a birthday party for one of my son's friends. He is getting weirder. But then he goes to a movie with his friends afterwards and doesn't come home till
3:30 a.m. and then is acting weird and crying about what a bad father he is. I told him that was normal and that everyone fells llike they are doing a bad job with their kids and if they thought they were perfect they would be in trouble. That made him feel a little better, but obviously not enough. The next morning I took the baby to my sister-in-law's house while I was at work so my husband could sleep. But soon after I left, so did he. He disappeared for about 24 hours but I didn't know it till this morning when he still wasn't home. So of course I call his friends and family and then the hospitals, jails, and morgue. But I still couldn't find him. So I went to work but it was incredibly hard to focus and all I wanted to do was find my husband. Finally I am checking my voicemail for home and there was a message from the Denver police saying they found him trying to break into a car that he thought was ours. J. wasn't making sense so they took him to the hospital and that is where he is now, on a psyche hold for 72 hours. Which sucks, cause we don't have insurance. But of course right now he is too violent to come home and be with me and our son, So I am stuck here waiting to find out the fate of my beloved husband and how scared that makes me. At the same time I am mad at him because he wouldn't sleep, take his meds and he has been drinking for the last 2 months. All of which have contributed to his manic episode. He scares the begesus out of me and then makes me worry for his life and mine. I would feel very lost without him and I want him to get better. But unfortunately that is going to take time and it is a difficult road that I am not looking forward to. Thanks out there for listening to my crap. I have been able to unload my burden and that feels good, which is why I have this blog to begin with.
Blessed Be.

I Taught a Color Class

Today was pretty cool. I went back to the school where I got my certificate for cosmetology and taught a color class. Last night I was ill prepared and I was nervous so I talked to my husband and he agreed to be my student so I could practice. And since he knows nothing about hair it made it seem very real. He asked me all the right questions and help me form a plan. I set up my supplies list and wrote my name on the board. It was kind of weird. But I had a lot of fun and so did the students. Once I was there this morning I got most of the supplies together so they just had to come to the front and pick them up. Then my old teacher introduced me and we got started. The class was a highlighting class, which if you are a colorist is pretty much your bread and butter. This is the type of thing I do all day long at work. So I parted off the hair and dove right in and started to show them how to put the foils in. They all got it right away and did an excellent job of listening. Which I thought might be difficult since the average age of the girls is about 19. We didn't quite have enough time to finish the entire head, but I gave them a start at trying something new. Plus the girls just finished on their own after I left. My old teacher wants me to come back and teach some more. So I am very excited. Next time I will remember to bring a doll head that already has the color we will be working on. I might teach a hair cutting class as well. I didn't even get paid to do this, I just wanted to show the girls the fun side of the business. Plus it helps me to get new ideas as well.
Then when I came home I told my husband and he was very proud of me. It has been a very good day. We went shopping for some household stuff and some birthday presents for a couple of little boys that are having parties this weekend. D. had a good time too, although he wanted to bring all of the toys home from the store. Gotta go.
Blessed Be.

Thinking of Family in KY

I was online looking for cabins to stay in at KY Lake in June for our family reunion. Most of my entire family lives in Kentucky. Anyway I knew that there were not a lot of vacancies available, since my mom had been looking for awhile. But my mom doesn't use the internet much. So I thought I would help. As luck would have it, I found a cool place that even has a pool. So I made a couple of phone calls to see if my cousin and my mom wanted to make the reservation. So far can't get a hold of anyone. But that is not really what I am going to write about this evening.
A couple of months ago my aunt P. broke up with her significant other, my uncle basically. They never married, but were together for 17 years, so half of my life. My aunt and uncle had problems off and on for years, another reason why they never married. My aunt wanted to live a slightly larger town than my uncle and he is kind of old fashioned. So he didn't really like her working much either. She lives in Lexington and he lives in a tiny town called Mayfield. They are several hours apart. However, my uncle has to do some traveling for his job cause he works for the state. So he gets up to Lexington at least 3 times a week. So they always saw each other often. Plus my grandparents, my aunt's parents, live fairly close to my uncle. So we always got together for holidays and family get togethers. Well it has been kind of weird for everyone, cause we all love my uncle very much.
So anyway, he just called me since all of this stuff happened. I was so glad to hear his voice and it was kind of weird the way I was thinking about my whole family and looking online for places to stay when he called. He is of course depressed. He wants the family to stay together and he still loves my aunt very much. He told me I could stay at his house whenever I wanted. And now that he has all of this time on his hands he has a new car project going. He just bought an El Camino. He is in the process of fixing it up. He said he wanted to visit my grandparents. I hope this all means we can still stay close. So I got his email and his phone numbers, so the possibility is there. Well I gotta go. My husband has to work now.
Blessed Be.

Feeling Depressed

I can't seem to tell if this is full blown depression or just that fact that I was watching a sad movie that had too many details about my own life. I have been feeling like a crappy mother today for even having a child. My husband has been diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder and I have had severe bouts of depression off and on my whole life. So I feel as though I have basically doomed my child to a lifetime of horrid things to deal with either with just my husband's health and my own and/or my son developing these terrible diseases. I know this is a fatalist attitude to have. The chances of him having these issues aren't terribly high. However, like I said, it has been a bad day. Writing it down does help though. My son is a beautiful healthy wonderful sweet 2 year old. He is full of life and yesterday when the screen door slammed shut on my ankle he asks "you o.k mama, you o.k.?, I kiss!" Like I said wonderful kid. But unfortunately it doesn't make me feel all that better to know that I may pass on these diseases to my child. I don't want my son to truly see the "crazy" side of my husband. Or to see either one of us so depressed that we don't get out of bed to have fun with him. The sad truth is that he will have to deal with those things. He is just so young. But he won't understand what is wrong till much later in his life and I don't want these things to destroy him. It feels as though we had him out of selfishness. But as terrible as I am feeling with all of this. My sweet boy is hungry and needs a diaper change. So I must go for now and finish my thoughts later. Till then I will hope for his future happiness and not losing his childhood too early.
Blessed Be.

My Weekend at Work

Hello again. I didn't have the greatest day at work yesterday. One of my clients was fabulous. Great hair to work with and a great person. We tried something totally different and put bold blond chunks in her ebony hair with subtle higlights underneath and in her bangs. Plus we put a ton of layers in her hair. (in case you didn't know I am a hairdresser). Then i straightened it all. It looked fabulous when I was done. Then I had the woman from hell. She said all she wanted was 5 foils put on top. But she picked the color and when it was done, she hated it. So I tried to fix what she didn't like several times and she still wasn't happy. I told her that she really needed to have a partial head of highlights done. ( all of the hair put in foils above the ears) But she didn't want to pay that much. The only problem was she kept asking for another foil here and another there. So it was adding up. I told her it would be cheaper to just get the partial. She didn't believe me. So today she calls up and says she wants it redone. I don't care so much about that. I knew she wasn't happy. I just couldn't seem to satisfy her. Then my boss comes in today asking me about it, after I left detailed info in the computer at work. Anyway one of the other girls ended up "fixing" it and she took the commission. Oh well for me . I am just glad I didn't have to work on that lady again. We did not mix well.
But at leat the cutest girl came in today and got an updo cause she was a flower girl in a wedding today. She looked so cute. She has blonde hair and we curled her whole head then I put a side part in it and pulled around to the crown and twisted it and pinned in place. Pretty much did the same thing around her whole head so she had this cascade of curls in her crown. Then she wore this pretty crystal tiara. She was going to wear a pretty red gown. We a took a pic for our look book at work. I hope she had fun. So the picture at the top of this post is for her, for making my day. My favorite part about my job is to make people feel pretty. I like to see their reaction and just love their new look. Anyway I hope everyone out ther had a good weekend. I at least got to get off work early.
Blessed Be.

Last Post of the Day(pobably)

Sorry last post for the day, probably. But I wanted something pretty at the top of the page. I was just having so much fun doing those surveys.

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

This is Fun

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Hidden Talent

You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

I am having a lot of fun with this.

You Are 60% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Five Factor Personality Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Trying to Wean

Well hello, sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was too busy looking for pics on the web to make my site pretty. Plus when I did try to post blogger was giving me some trouble. Then of course there is my little one. He is a handful. But a very sweet child.

Anyway not much going on here. I did talk a friend of mine in to making herself a blog as well. But we will see if she keeps it up. She is insanely busy, but she likes it that way. I am a little too laid back for that much chaos in my life. I do like being a stay at home mom. I just need other moms like me to have a circle of support and people to hang out with. Till then this will be my outlet.

To you other LLL moms out there. I used to go quite regularly until my son would want to go outside to play during a meeting. Not that it bothered me, I want him to play. But at the church where the meetings are held, the playground isn't completely enclosed and not made for tiny toddlers, so I had to watch him the whole time. It was great for the other moms, but it just sucked for me. Anyway, I was into the child led weaning thing too. But now D. is just so big and hard to handle even when he nurses. He just squirms and kicks and stuff. I find myself just counting the seconds till he stops or I tell him to stop. He didn't even want to just nurse a couple times a day. He would nurse all day if I let him. So I am on the path to weaning. I feel it is necessary, but I will miss our time and snuggling. It is a confusing time for both of us. He doesn't want to stop, but it is actually painful to continue most days. He actually didn't nurse at all for 2 days this week then he asked for it again last night. I feel so conflicted. It doesn't help that my husband really wants me to quit, until D. starts crying and begging for it when I am exhausted and sore. Then J. just tells me to nurse, then immediately asks if I am quitting. My husband just wants to sleep and I don't know how to go about it all to make things go more smoothly. Plus we are going to be in a wedding in Sept. in Vegas. Not exactly the best place to go with a little one and we can't really afford to take someone to watch him. D. would stay here with my mom visiting or stay with my Mother-in-law. So it makes it difficult for him to stay with someone else if he is still nursing. I wouldn't even completely wean if I knew he could handle 3 days without it and not freak out. Plus he has slept in the same bed with us since he was born, up untill 3 months ago. Now he sleeps in his toddler bed a few inches away from ours (also, to get him ready for our trip in Sept to Vegas). So I guess if anyone has any ideas or other questions, let me know. I am starting to be stumped.

Hey I am also trying to potty train by August/September to put him in a couple of days of preschool. So if anyone has any good ideas, let me know.

Blessed Be,
BlueGoddess

My Day Downtown

Hello everyone, I took my son to the big library downtown today for storytime and crafting afterwards. He wouldn't sit still, but big surprise he is 2 1/2. Most of the other kids were getting up too at some point during storytime. However, craftime went a bit better. He stayed in his chair and we were painting with watercolors on coffee filters to make the wings for butterflies. We used large wooden popsicle sticks for the body with a pipecleaner glued on to attach the wings and make the anttane. It was fun and because it was snowing today there weren't a lot of kids there ,so we made about 5 butterflies.

Well since we were already downtown, I decided to go to Emily Griffith Opportunity School down the road, That is the place I went to school for hair design. I have been wanting to teach a color class there for a couple of years, but never really had the time or a car to get there. But now this month is perfect 'cause my husband is working from home this month. Plus since I happened to be down in the neighborhood, it made perfect sense to drop in and make the appointment. So I talked to my old teacher and I will be teaching a class on highlighting and coloring techniques with foil on next Thursday morning. Cool huh? I thought so too. I might be reperesenting my salon, but I haven't talked to my owner yet. It doesn't really matter , my olde teacher will usually let me do whatever I want, she loves me. I was teahcers pet with her. But that didn't really matter because we had 4 teachers.

And now since D. had been so good till this point, I thought we should go to the playground at Cherry Creek Mall. It is indoors and has all of this giant food to play on. But right after we get there and he is playing, he starts pushing kids around. I saw it and told him to say he was sorry to the kid. Then he did it again, so I put him in a timeout. Then he needed to go potty and he did all by himself. Yay!! So we went back to the playground again. He is only there a few minutes and he shoves another kid. So we packed up and started to go home.

Well as you know I have been a little lonely and wanting to start my life again. So Since I was already downtown, I went to the Twelfth House. One of my favourite pagan/spiritual boutiques in town. I knew we couldn't stay long, D couldn't handle it. But I just had to go in. Anyway this absolutely amazing lapis pendant(that fits my silver collar necklace perfectly) was in their case. I wanted it so bad, but it cost $86. And even though I work, I only do so part time and we have so many other bills, I said no. Then he said he would give me a deal $65. I really really really considered it. But I thought I should talk it over with my husband and sleep on it. So maybe we will see. I do hope I can get it. It truly is a one of a kind peace. I would go into more detail. But just in case there is anyone out there who lives in the area and likes this sort of thing, I don't want to.

Anywyay I should be going now,
Blessed Be,
Bluegoddess

No one posts!!!

This is absolutely ridiculous. I know that I wanted to have an anonymous blog so that I could bitch, but I would like someone to bitch to. I have been searching the other blogs with similar interests for a couple of hours now and no one seems to still use their blogs on this site anymore. All of this is really starting to make me feel like crap. The point of this was to be to find friends. Like minded souls that I could relate to. That I could find friendship among the web. Does this all sound futille? I know that there are tons of sites to chat on, to go to forums and such. But I am not looking for just one side of my personality that I can connect to in another person. I would like to delve into all of the aspects that make me, me. And to connect with others that have the same ideas. There have to be more people out there that actually use this site on a regular basis. Someone please help me find them. So far the only person to come to this site is the only person I told about it. I want to meet new and interesting people as well as the old friends that I have. I have no doubt about the friendships that I have had for so many years. But as I have said before, most have moved away and I am not in contact with all of them as much as I would like.
I guess I should really stop this. It truly is just a lot of whining. And I just hate that. I always bug my son when he does it, why should I be any different. Just because I am an adult, doesn't give me the right to act so childish. So I will leave cruel world wide web and go be with my actual family and maybe go to sleep.

Blessed Be,
Bluegoddess

My ever changing blog

Since I am so new to the process. I am starting to play around a bit with the html so that I will be able to have the kind of site that I truly envision. I wasn't really expecting to be able to change anything, but it wasn't all that hard. I just used the site for a little help. I still have a long way to go before it truly reflects my taste. I am a designer after all, just not a web designer, so it is going to take a little time before I can make it my own.

But on to other things. I took D. to the mall to play on the playground. He had fun, although he didn't seem to play with the other kids much today. Which was the main reason I took him there. He needs friends and playmates. And of course to be able to run himself ragged. But he didn't seem to mind not playing with the other kids. He just ran around and talked to the other adults there and climbed on the dinosaurs. I on the other hand felt kind of snubbed like in highschool. The other parents were really keeping to themselves or in their little groups of friends. Even when I would try to strike up a conversation with them about their beautiful kids. What is it with those people. I am just trying to be part of the human race again. And since I do work a couple days a week, its not as if the only thing that I have to talk about is Elmo or Blues Clues. I mean come on, I am intelligent woman who just wants to have a friendship with someone else who is not working through the week just like me. I don't think that would be all that difficult. But I suppose people just like to keep to themselves. Tomorrow we are going to the library for story time and craft time. Hopefully I will strike up a conversation tomorrow.
Blessed Be.
BlueGoddess

I am choosing to be anonymous here so that I can have a journal of sorts. But if you are here I guess you already know that. I do have a lot of interests, but it seems as of late, that I have not been able to pursue many of them, since having my child. We will call him D. I do love him with all my heart. He is my pride and joy of course. But I have lost a bit of myself caring for him. As I am sure that you other parents can attest to. He is 2 1/2 years old and very adventurous. He is always getting into things, so I am chasing him around trying to keep him from killing himself. But it is the most wonderful and stressful job in the world.
When he was smaller, I didn't mind being all consumed with him. I loved staying home and just being his mother. But now i feel a little lost. I want my life back. I want to be able to go out more. My husband( we will call hime J. ) is pretty good about making sure that I get to do things for myself once in a while, but not as often as him. He is into Dungeons and Dragons (D&D, I know very childish), and has a lot of friends that he sees at least twice a week. But I only have a few friends that even live in Denver, most have moved away, so I only go on outings once every 2 months or so.
My husband is a telecom engineer and sometimes gets to work from home. But most of the time he has to go into the office. I am not saying he has to be my entire world and I don't want him to be. But we only have one car, so it makes it difficult to get out and be with other people. So I am writing this for catharsis and to find new friends so I don't feel so lonely and that I finally get my life back.
I hope you will post messages and help me to put links on pages so that I can find you.
Blessed Be.
Bluegoddess

Bluegoddess introduction

Hello internet world. This is my first time blogging. I am a wiccan woman, wife, and mother. I live in Denver and I am a hairdresser. There really is not a lot to say about me at this time, cause I have a little one to chase around the house. But I will be back often to post news and stuff that I love to learn about or just bitch about.