Thursday, March 23, 2006

My Privacy is Gone

This sucks!! I feel like my anonymity is gone. Too many people that I know in real life know about my secret place. The one that I wanted to be my hideaway for my true open thoughts. But now, when I really need it most I can't articulate what is racing through my mind. I want so badly to write about a particular subject and feel that I will let a lot of people down if I do. This was supposed to be my safe haven. My journal. The place where I could truly be completely honest and get it out of my head for my own therapy. Not just a place for people to see what is going on with me. That was the whole reason for not using my name or photo.
I am in total despair at the moment. I was looking through some old journals from my life and realize that I am most likely clinically depressed again. I am sure that I should see someone to get this all off of my chest, but I have to be the strong one and take care of my pathetic husband. I am alone and hating it. I know I have friends and family who are being extremely supportive. But I really need one of them to be HERE with me. To give me a giant hug and tell me everything is going to be O.K. That my life, as much as it feels like it is falling apart, is not all that bad. But the response that I am getting from some people is that I should just leave my husband and move on. But then I feel guilty because if I do that, then where will he be. I am stuck in a paradox. I love him, but I don't. I want him home, but I don't. I want to feel free to discuss what is really on my mind, but I don't.
There is only one redeeming quality of feeling like this, the creativity it springs forth. I have always been an artistic sort. I used to paint a draw quite a bit. But then for a long time I haven't, cause I was pretty happy with my life. But I have always had some sort of craft project going. Lately I have been crocheting a lot. Then I stopped. Now it seems as though writing and making my blog beautiful is top priority. And then the wave of crappy emotions come rushing back.
I am trying to feel all of my emotions. I am unfortunately emotionally tied to food. And sinced it is one of the things in life we can't live without, it is a hard addiction to break. The weird thing is that the last few days, I haven't been overeating. Just not eating well. I tend to just get fast food, cause I don't have the time to cook right now. Plus I am exhausted. I don't really feel like doing anything. I am just too tired. I know this is all very normal considering what is going on in my life, but it doesn't make me any happier about it. Then there is the cookie dough lurking in my fridge. It beckons me everyday. But I actually have been eating less of it. Is it because I have actually been FEELING all of this pain and frustration?
But I keep telling myself, " This is my life and I chose it." Which is totally true. I chose to marry my husband even with all of the crap we went through beforehand. I chose to have a baby with him. I have chosen to stay with him. I didn't choose his disease. But didn't I marry "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad" ? this is definitely the bad, sick and worse. I just want things to get better. I want to feel better about my situation. And I want to stop thinking about a particualr subject. But that all feels very difficult right now.
Blessed Be.


At 3:36 PM, Anonymous elbo said...

wow...i just stumbled on your (newly launched) blog. congrats! you sure have a lot of issues to talk about. i know how good that feels when you want to express yourself thru your writing. i don't understand your post tho, why do you think your privacy is gone? you don't know me.

At 10:17 PM, Blogger Psychobdoll said...

I am sorry you feel your privacy is gone because you told your friends about your blog. But what are friends if not people you can truly be honest with. If you say what's on your mind it will make you feel better. You are not a bad person for feeling the way you feel. Life dealt you a bad hand and you must fold or play the cards you have been dealt. No matter what you do you will have he support you need. Smile

At 1:04 PM, Blogger BlueGoddess said...

my privacy isn't totally gone. the things I wanted to discuss here had more to do with my husband and him finding out certain things. He knows where my blog is and I never really wanted him to. That is my problem, not the rest of you. Thanks for your support!

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Psychobdoll said...

Make another one


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