Thursday, April 27, 2006

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

This is only one side of my personality

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

Well isn't this a hoot?

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

Sorry hipchickmamma, I know everyone you know needs the same hair color. Isn't that interesting? But like this is a huge surprise coming from a hairstylist? Especially since I change my color so damn often. But I don't think I look good in orange. Makes me look pasty.

I messed up!

I can't believe I have that I have done this. I forgot my own wedding anniversary. It is today. I have been telling my husband that it is tomorrow all day long and all week long. So I fucked up. I know that I have had a lot to deal with lately and that is probably the reason. But still I am the woman, it is my job to remember my own anniversary. Men always forget that stuff. The messed up thing is that my birthday is in a week and a half and then it is Mother's Day. So hopefully I will remember when those days get here. Wish me luck.

Blessed Be.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Dizzy spells

Hey does anyone out there know of any good ways to get rid of dizzy spells. I have had vertigo off and on since I was 18. For the last 2 weeks I can't seem to get rid of them and it is driving me crazy.
Blessed Be.

The weather

Can you believe what it has been doing in Colorado. If you live here you can, but it can still be weird. Yesterday it was around 75 or 80 and today it has been snowing and in the low 30's. I know, springtime in the rockies. That is actually one of the things that I love about living here. However it can sometimes give way to getting a cold. Also yesterday we had a hail storm, then showers, then freezing rain, now snow. It was an all encompasing day in the weather world.
Remember April showers bring May flowers.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

My Weekend

Hello again. Well my husband came home for the weekend. He got to spend the day and night on Saturday and all day today till 8 p.m. I was thrilled with the part that he could take care of our son. It has been a total bitch to find a sitter for only 2 days a week for the last 6 weeks.

But anyway. Not much happened. It seemed as though he was never gone. He slept in. Then he watch D. while I was at work. I came home and we ate dinner and watched a little t.v. Then he had to go to his first AA meeting. Well he ended up missing most of it, cause the sheet we had must have had the wrong time to show up. But he heard a couple of their stories and then got his 30 day chip. I was a little proud, especially since he has been dreading going and he said it wasn't too bad, Of course he said that the stories heard were awful and so bad, I asked what he thought it would be like. Most people don't go to AA willingly if their life was going well. It usually takes a traumatic event. Ya know like my husband trying to rob a bank. He didn't really get it. He doesn't normally drink. It happens only when he starts not sleeping and he tries to and can't. Then he drinks to go to sleep. Then he can't sleep some more, then he gets manic. Of course it is a whole cycle. But I still think he doesn't really get it. I hope he does soon. I don't want things to get as bad as they have been.

Well then I went to work today. It was o.k., nothing special. Then I came home, we ate dinner, then we watched a little t.v and then I had to take him back to the halfway house. My son really wanted to get in the car and go for a ride, until he realized where we were and why. Then he started crying, " No Daddy leave, No Daddy go, No Daddy bye bye, No I Love You!!!" It was incredibly heart breaking for me and my husband and my son. I kept trying to reassure our son that we would see Daddy tomorrow. But that really wasn't good enough. I told him that the doctor just wants to make sure that Daddy is well. But he is so little and just doesn't understand. He finally quieted down till I had to get him out of the car. Then he wanted to nurse. And even though I have been trying to wean, it was the only way to calm him down and make him feel better. I love my son so much and I hate to see him hurting. But now he is sleeping and knows we will see Daddy tomorrow. And he kept thanking me for getting to see Daddy. He just makes me melt.

Blessed Be.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

My husband is eventually coming home.

Well I talked with my husbands doctors today and they think he will get to come home next Wednesday or Thursday. Of course my husband is pretty pissed off about the whole situation. He really wants to come home. I know the weekend kind of sucked when he was home. But he seems pretty normal now. He will get to come home for 3 hours tomorrow and all day and night Saturday and then go back to halfway house on Sunday evening after I get home from work. They want to see how he will do. Plus they want him to go to an AA meeting and see how he likes it. They also have to set up all of his therapy appointments for when he gets out. They are just being extra cautious so he won't end up right back in there. Plus they said he will probably get to go back to work around May 3. So here's to hoping.
Tonight we went to the mall and took the kid to the playground for about an hour and then had dinner. We came home for a few minutes so he could pick up a few things and then we had to take him back. My son thinks daddy lives there now. But in a way i guess he does. I just wish this wasn't so hard on our son. He has been pretty cranky lately. And he is not sure how he feels when he is around Daddy again. Hopefully things will get better when he comes home for the weekend and things are a little back to normal. But we will see and I will let everyone know.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Well today my husband got an all day pass to spend with the family for Easter. I had to pick him up this morning at 7a.m. That is kind of early for me. Especially since I haven't been sleeping well lately. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30. So I was pretty tired when I went to pick him up. So then we get home and I go back to sleep for a couple of hours.
Of course we get the phone calls from the family that we weren't going to see today. First one from him mom to wish us a happy Easter and the second from his dad. Of course his dad lives in California. And every time he calls he wants us to move there. I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE TO CALIFORNIA!!! I have no idea how I would like the state. But if we moved there we would get stuck because of the cost of living there. Plus since my husband and I have had so many problems and have been thinking of divorce, I don't want to get into a custody battle with my inlaws and my husband.
Anyway we went over to my sister-in-law's house to hunt easter eggs and to have lunch. The kids had a great time finding the eggs and the candy. Of course that is the only thing they wanted to eat. Then we all sat down and played a board game and watched a little bit of Harry Potter.
But my husband has been in a sour mood all day because the only thing he is thinking of is having to go back to the halfway house. He can't even be happy spending time with us while we are together. So part of the day has sucked. He has to go back at around 9 p.m. So hopefully things will end a little better tonight.
Tomorrow my son is going to stay with my mother-in-law while I work for a couple of hours. And they will go to my husband's grandparents house up in Idaho Springs. They should have a good time. I will write more later.

Blessed Be.

Friday, April 14, 2006


Well hello there. Today was a beautiful day outside and I got to spend some of the day with my husband. D. and I went to visit him at the halfway house and D and my husband got to play at the park across the street for a little while by themselves. While they were doing that I went back to the house and picked up our laptop and our tax stuff. Ooh what fun.
When I got back my husband got a 1 hour pass so we went to CompUsa and picked up TurboTax. Much easier than filling out the paper work. Granted it is more expensive, but it is worth the cost so we don't fight so much. However I just got finished with it and we owe money. My husband likes to claim a lot on his W4 so we can keep as much of his paycheck as possible. Not that is fine and dandy during the year. But come tax time it TOTALLY SUCKS. We owe $1200 combined for federal and state taxes. I keep trying to tell hime to claim less, but does he listen to me, NO!! Anyway at least the whole mess is done and over with. We just have to get a payment plan and figure it out.
But at least we spent a good portion of the day together. Plus D. and I got a huge present from my sister in St. Louis today for Easter. D. got a basket with a book and cookies and some summer clothes and some sidewalk chalk. I got some aromatherapy lotion and a check so that I can go to at least one therapy session. My sister and I don't get along most of the time, but she can be extremely generous and loving when she wants to be. I cried when I read her note to me and I love her very much. So now I can make the appointment. Woo Hoo!!!. I am going to be in therapy!! Just what I wanted.
Now I just have to get some laundry finished and put D's stuff together for the sitter tomorrow. Plus I still have to go to the store and get some Easter stuff for my neice. It has been a busy week. and a busy day. Well I will hopefully post more later.
Hey the good news is that my husband is getting an all day pass on Sunday to spend it with the family for a barbecue. That should be fun, plus the Easter egg hunt for the kids. Complete with camoflage eggs. I know, my sister-in-law's idea. Hopefully I will have pics to post later.

Blessed Be.

Monday, April 10, 2006

What's new with me

Well, I went to see my husband again this evening at the halfway house. He is doing better, but we still have some problems.
I guess I will start with the weekend. I had to work Saturday so I didn't see him. But I finally got a sitter I could totally trust. She is technically one of my husband's friends from D&D, but I know her pretty well too. She watched him all weekend and was so excited to do so, she went to the library for books for D. to read and ideas for his developmental age to do. They did crafts, played, went to the park and had a great time. I was so-o-o-o happy. I was just glad to have someone that wasn't a crack head or a total screw up. I just wanted my kid back alive and I got so much more. I just wish she didn't have to work so I could count on her all the time. I will definitely have to do something for her in return, but I am not sure what.
Sunday I actually had a class in the morning for work, so the boss closed the shop. So I came home around 1 p.m. My son hadn't even gotten out of bed. He had missed his nap the day before, cause he was having so much fun, so he slept in on Sunday. So my sitter had an easy day. Since I was home early I got the kid ready and we went to visit Daddy at the halfway house. We actually had a pretty good day. There is a park like ten steps away so we took D. to play. We had a good time just being a family. It was the best day we had in a while.
The only thing that related to my husband's illness was a list of things I wanted him to accomplish before he comes home. He wasn't totally thrilled with the idea. Mainly it was a list of appointments I wanted him to make with his therapist, a marriage counselor for the both of us, where to go for AA meetings and an action plan for the next time he gets sick. Plus we need to meet with his doctor before he comes home so we can know what to expect for the next couple of months. So far he has the majority of the list finished. We meet with the doctor tomorrow. So I expect him home no later than Thursday, maybe even tomorrow.
I am a little aprehensive. This morning when I woke up and I was nauseous again. I am not sure what to expect when he comes home. I don't want to be fighting all the time. Especially since our first marriage counseling session is like a month away. He has a meeting with his psychiatrist on Wednesday. That makes me feel a little better. Plus he found a way to get his meds for free until August.
So now we just have to figure out our financial situation. On Oprah she has had this show going every Friday called the Debt Diet. She has the info on her website. It has worksheets on how to get a handle on your spending and how to save. With all of the advice from famous financial advisors, basically for free. So my husband and I are going to give it a try. It can't be any worse than what we are already doing. Hopefully we will finally get some savings and be able to handle situations like this in the future. If not, we might go our seperate ways. I do better with money than he does, but he makes a lot more than me since I stay at home with our son. Plus he just has a higher paying job than me. He is still of the mind that his paychecks are mostly for him. So we have a lot to work on.
Last few items. I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who posts and to those of you that know me personally for all of the advice and shoulders to cry on lately. I really needed it and I wouldn't have made it without you. My life is better for knowing you and the love you share with me.
Blessed Be.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Well I just got back from visiting my husband at the halfway house. He looks good and seems to be doing better. Although I had hoped he would have a little more freedom. The weird thing is that this place only 2 blocks from our old house and we never knew it was there. It just looks like a regular house. It is even right next to the little park I used to take our son to all the time. That creeps me out a little.
Anyway my husband seems to think everything is just peachy now and should go back to the way things were. I, on the other hand, am still too emotional and a little scared for everything to be o.k. We still have a lot of stuff to work out. And he just wants to hug and kiss me. I am still a little stand offish. I am especially worried about our finances. This is a big problem for anyone with bipolar disorder. He hasn't been able to get a grip on our finances for any stretch of time. I usually do o.k, until he spends a big chunck or some minor catastrophe happens.
Speaking of which I just had the brakes fixed on the car today. $220 for that and the tires rotated and the transmission fluid checked, plus an oil change. Not cheap. Plus the car still needs a lot of work done. The transmission is going to go completely out at any time. The mechanic said that it would be between $3,000 and $3500. It would be better to just get a different car. Of course our credit sucks and we don't have enough for a down payment or monthly payments. So we will have to figure something out.
I think my husband is doing well enough at the halfway house. He seems to think that he is going back to work on Monday. I still think it is too soon. He is worried about our money situation. But we are waiting to find out if he is going to get disability. I think he will. It is through his job. But nothing I seem to say is good enough for my husband. In some ways he is back to his old self. In other ways he isn't even close. Or maybe he is, and now I am finally seeing the problems we have had for such a long time and have just put on the back burner so long that I forgot. I just don't things are as simple as he makes them out to be. He just assumes that I will welcome him back into my arms. He thinks that I love him unconditionally. I don't know if I do. Then I asked him if the tables were turned if he would still want me around. Of course he said yes. But I don't think he understands completely what all of this has done to me and our son. We are still afraid. Even though we miss him.
I don't want things back to normal or the way they were. I want them to be better. But I keep wondering if things will get worse before they get better. I am starting to feel like i am being too cryptic. But I am not sure what else I should say.
But right at this moment I don' t care about any of this. I am HUNGRY for CHOCOLATE. I am PMSing. So most of you out there should understand. I am going to feed myself.
Blessed Be.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Update on Crazy Husband

Well hello again. This is kind of an update on my crappy situation. Today I went for a visit with my husband and his doctors at the hospital. The whole time I was getting ready to go I felt nauseaus(sp?). I just wanted to throw up. Then as I was getting D. ready he said he didn't want to go see Daddy cause he was sad. I just wanted to ball. This has been incredibly difficult for the both of us. Not to mention my husband. But of course he is mostly angry, not upset. So off we go to the mental hospital for the news.
We get there and they shuffle my son and I around a different side of the ward and through a different door. The nurse said it was because of a difficult patient. No biggie. Then my husband gets in there with us and I just wanted to hurl. We get the kid set up with some coloring and a truck to play with while we all chat. The nurse practitioner and his social worker come in and ask how I am doing. Which lately is an awful thing to ask me, cause I almost break down every time someone asks.
So we start in on the heavy stuff pretty quickly since we only have an hour to talk. They tell me that my husband is doing much better and the med changes are working, but he still has a way to go. My husband is still a little hung up on the d.j. equipment thing. But not like before. This is the first time in a couple of weeks that he sounds kind of normal. But I am having a hard time trusting it. I can't seem to tell when it's his disease or his crappy part of his personality. The docs tell me that is going to take time for both of us. They want to set us up with marriage counseling and AA meetings for my husband. Plus they want to move him to a halfway house. Which I think is a great idea for a couple of reasons. One we don't have insurance and that place is considerably cheaper, two it is closer to our house, three I think he needs to acclimate into normal life a little more slowly this time, and four I am still a little afraid of him.
My husband said he was sorry for the stuff he has been doing lately, but I don't know if I can believe him. This has all been a lot to take. Plus I still haven't found anyone to watch my son while I work the weekends. The docs said that when they let my husband come back home he will be able to watch D again. But I am still wary. Too much has happened. And it may be too late.
I will commit myself to working things out with him. I do want him to get well. I still love him. But that doesn't excuse the past behavior, it just explains it. The only thing is I think I still kind of have one foot out the door. I don't trust my husband, his actions, or his moods. I have to put my son and myself first. So as I am thinking all of this the docs are telling my husband he could lose his family and I told them they were right. That I was already looking for another place to live. That I was looking for daycare. And they of course, being his doctors and looking out for his well being, were concerned that if this all happens too soon, that he could end up right back in there. I don't think they were trying to make me feel guilty, but I did.
So I think he will be going to the halfway house tomorrow or the next day. He will be in there at least a week. But he said if I wasn't feeling safe with him coming home, he would stay there for a month. That place will probably let him go to work. But we will have to see. The good news is that it seems like he is getting better. But I am too close to the problems and I need some perspective. Maybe I can go to a group for spouses of spouses with mental illness. That's all for now.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

My life is up in the air.

Well this has been a crazy couple of weeks. My husband is still in the hospital while they are trying to regulate his meds. He of course is not happy about it at all. He will probably go to a halfway house for the mentally ill which just happens to be next door to his regualr doctor's office. I am not sure how long he will stay there.
Then of course there is the matter of our son. Because my husband is usually the one to take care of D. on the weekends, I have had to find alternative means. So for the first time in his life he went to daycare yesterday. It wasn't all that bad. But the lady doesn't usually watch kids on the weekends or as late as I needed her. I work till 7 on Sat. So she wasn't happy about it. Then I go to pick D. up and there is a big power outage on her side of town. It made it kind of diffucult navigating the streets in total darkeness when I didn't know the area very well. Plus you couldn't tell where the street lights were at. It was amazing that I wasn't in an accident. So I pick D. up and he has a rash on his stomach. Can't tell why he has it. By the time we get to the grocery store it is all over his arms. And by the time we get home it had spread from head to toe. I gave him some Benadryl, but it didn't stop the itching. Then in about an hour it went away. Then 2 hours after I gave it to him the hives came back. This morning he still had it and was complaining about it itching. So I gave him more Benadryl, so far no more hives. but it has only been 3 1/2 hours .
Plus my hsuband keeps saying he wants a divorce whenever I visit him at the hospital. When I am home and he calls me, he loves me to death. It is all very confusing. to say the least. I am not sure what I want anymore. I know I hate living like this. It has been pretty difficult. His friends have gone to visit him a couple of times and that made him happy. But I don't want to visit him again when he acts like this. I have considered moving out and getting seperated or divorced. Sometimes I feel like I have had enough. Then other times I feel like he is just sick and it isn't all his fault. But we need some serious therapy if things are going to work out. He says he will go, but he has said that before and he never does. I do hope he get better soon. From September through January things were pretty good. But I know only a few good months a year are not enough to make a marriage work or to be a good father to our son.
So for now things are really up in the air. I have tried to find a place to move to and daycare situations. But so far I can't afford any other scenario. I only work 2 days a week so that we wouldn't have to pay for daycare and I love to take care of our son. But I don't think my husband is going to be up to caring for D. when he comes home and I have to work. We still have to pay the bills, so one of us will have to work.
Anyway, I am just rambling now. I don't think this is making much sense anymore. So I am going to go. Thanks for listening.
Blessed Be.