Well I just got back from visiting my husband at the halfway house. He looks good and seems to be doing better. Although I had hoped he would have a little more freedom. The weird thing is that this place only 2 blocks from our old house and we never knew it was there. It just looks like a regular house. It is even right next to the little park I used to take our son to all the time. That creeps me out a little.
Anyway my husband seems to think everything is just peachy now and should go back to the way things were. I, on the other hand, am still too emotional and a little scared for everything to be o.k. We still have a lot of stuff to work out. And he just wants to hug and kiss me. I am still a little stand offish. I am especially worried about our finances. This is a big problem for anyone with bipolar disorder. He hasn't been able to get a grip on our finances for any stretch of time. I usually do o.k, until he spends a big chunck or some minor catastrophe happens.
Speaking of which I just had the brakes fixed on the car today. $220 for that and the tires rotated and the transmission fluid checked, plus an oil change. Not cheap. Plus the car still needs a lot of work done. The transmission is going to go completely out at any time. The mechanic said that it would be between $3,000 and $3500. It would be better to just get a different car. Of course our credit sucks and we don't have enough for a down payment or monthly payments. So we will have to figure something out.
I think my husband is doing well enough at the halfway house. He seems to think that he is going back to work on Monday. I still think it is too soon. He is worried about our money situation. But we are waiting to find out if he is going to get disability. I think he will. It is through his job. But nothing I seem to say is good enough for my husband. In some ways he is back to his old self. In other ways he isn't even close. Or maybe he is, and now I am finally seeing the problems we have had for such a long time and have just put on the back burner so long that I forgot. I just don't things are as simple as he makes them out to be. He just assumes that I will welcome him back into my arms. He thinks that I love him unconditionally. I don't know if I do. Then I asked him if the tables were turned if he would still want me around. Of course he said yes. But I don't think he understands completely what all of this has done to me and our son. We are still afraid. Even though we miss him.
I don't want things back to normal or the way they were. I want them to be better. But I keep wondering if things will get worse before they get better. I am starting to feel like i am being too cryptic. But I am not sure what else I should say.
But right at this moment I don' t care about any of this. I am HUNGRY for CHOCOLATE. I am PMSing. So most of you out there should understand. I am going to feed myself.
Blessed Be.