Update on Crazy Husband

Well hello again. This is kind of an update on my crappy situation. Today I went for a visit with my husband and his doctors at the hospital. The whole time I was getting ready to go I felt nauseaus(sp?). I just wanted to throw up. Then as I was getting D. ready he said he didn't want to go see Daddy cause he was sad. I just wanted to ball. This has been incredibly difficult for the both of us. Not to mention my husband. But of course he is mostly angry, not upset. So off we go to the mental hospital for the news.
We get there and they shuffle my son and I around a different side of the ward and through a different door. The nurse said it was because of a difficult patient. No biggie. Then my husband gets in there with us and I just wanted to hurl. We get the kid set up with some coloring and a truck to play with while we all chat. The nurse practitioner and his social worker come in and ask how I am doing. Which lately is an awful thing to ask me, cause I almost break down every time someone asks.
So we start in on the heavy stuff pretty quickly since we only have an hour to talk. They tell me that my husband is doing much better and the med changes are working, but he still has a way to go. My husband is still a little hung up on the d.j. equipment thing. But not like before. This is the first time in a couple of weeks that he sounds kind of normal. But I am having a hard time trusting it. I can't seem to tell when it's his disease or his crappy part of his personality. The docs tell me that is going to take time for both of us. They want to set us up with marriage counseling and AA meetings for my husband. Plus they want to move him to a halfway house. Which I think is a great idea for a couple of reasons. One we don't have insurance and that place is considerably cheaper, two it is closer to our house, three I think he needs to acclimate into normal life a little more slowly this time, and four I am still a little afraid of him.
My husband said he was sorry for the stuff he has been doing lately, but I don't know if I can believe him. This has all been a lot to take. Plus I still haven't found anyone to watch my son while I work the weekends. The docs said that when they let my husband come back home he will be able to watch D again. But I am still wary. Too much has happened. And it may be too late.
I will commit myself to working things out with him. I do want him to get well. I still love him. But that doesn't excuse the past behavior, it just explains it. The only thing is I think I still kind of have one foot out the door. I don't trust my husband, his actions, or his moods. I have to put my son and myself first. So as I am thinking all of this the docs are telling my husband he could lose his family and I told them they were right. That I was already looking for another place to live. That I was looking for daycare. And they of course, being his doctors and looking out for his well being, were concerned that if this all happens too soon, that he could end up right back in there. I don't think they were trying to make me feel guilty, but I did.
So I think he will be going to the halfway house tomorrow or the next day. He will be in there at least a week. But he said if I wasn't feeling safe with him coming home, he would stay there for a month. That place will probably let him go to work. But we will have to see. The good news is that it seems like he is getting better. But I am too close to the problems and I need some perspective. Maybe I can go to a group for spouses of spouses with mental illness. That's all for now.

Blessed Be.