Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Well today my husband was supposed to get a docs note for work saying he could go back to nights. And they denied him because of liability issues. He is very upset. He likes that particualar job better. And the pay is a lot better. I have to say that I had already spent the bonus money on some important bills. Plus I was looking forward to getting the car every day. But now unless his boss decides he doesn't need the note anymore, my husband is going to be really annoyed for a while.

I am not sure how to make him feel better. It is a drawback of his illness. Plus his job doesn't know the real truth about why he couldn't work nights in the first place. So I am hoping that it won't affect his standing at his job either. We will know more in a couple of days.

Blessed Be.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Spiritual Reawakening

Hello all. I guess all of this time I have been wallowing in my own mental crap has actually put me in a place to try to fix it. I have always been a spiritual person. But there are always times that I don't take the time to perform rituals or observe holidyas or the Moons as I should. This is partly becuase as a solitary Witch I don't have a "church" with a congregation or pastor to look to for guidance. And I don't have others to bounce ideas off of.

But I have been thinking a lot about how I am to deal with all of this mental and metaphysical stuff going on in my head. And then the commercials came on and I received the newsletter in the mail. The Celebration Metaphysical fair is coming this weekend. I am sooo happy. I actually have a little money so I won't feel like I can't get a reading and feel out of place. Plus two of my favorite speakers will be there on the same day. I may just go every single day to the fair to see everything. I have never been able to do that because for as long as I can remember I have worked weekends.

And I have invited a couple of friends to go along. They aren't really as into it as I am. But it is always fun to go with friends. I was thinking of getting another Aura painting done. But they are expensive and I already have 3. But they are always beautiful.

Plus with the belly dancing that I have been interested in lately, they usually have that kind of stuff for sale there too. So maybe I can find a good deal.

And with my renewed interest I have been rereading one of my favorite books, " Book of Shadows" by Phylis Curot. And I should be done with it by the weekend. And since we are in the midst of a waxing moon phase things are definitely looking up.

One side note, if I sent you an email about Mars being viewed lately, I have still not seen it. We have had cloudy skys all week. So I hope that I will be able to see it before the end of the week or I never will.

And does Mars being so close to the Earth have anything to do with all of my lightbulbs going out all over the house at nearly the same time?

Blessed Be.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Well sometimes you just have to sleep on some information. Everything that I wrote about yesterday still goes for the most part. But I am not as upset about it anymore. I think I will be able to roll with it just fine.

And my son is doing o.k. He is just going through the terrible 3's, instead of terrible 2's. I don't know why that happened. He is just more whiny now. And he doesn't like to listen to what I say. He is more defiant sometimes. And defintely testing his boundaries. But other than that he is a wonderful kid. He is cute and says quirkly little things like all toddlers do.

Blessed Be.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

More Change

Well today when my husband got home from work he told me that his boss wants him to start working nights again, but only for 3 months. This concerns me a great deal. If any of you know anything about bipolar disorder, you have to be on a set sleeping schedule. And working nights can really mess that up. Plus if he is going to work nights it needs to be permanent so the schedule stays the same. The whole reason that he had his episode in March was because he was going back and forth from nights to days and back again. So he couldn't sleep. Then he started drinking to try to sleep. Which fucked up his meds and led to mania.

So of course I am worried. He did go to his therapist today and talked to her about it. She is going to talk to his psychiatrist to make sure it will be o.k. Because his boss needs a medical note saying he can work nights again. Because when he came back from the hospital they gave him a note for work that he could only work day shifts from now on.

At first when he told me I said I was moving out in a week if he works nights for only 3 months and then back to days. I will not be a party to helping him get manic again. It is too difficult to deal with. So he said he would ask his boss if it could be a permanent thing. And I said if his therapist does give him a note and talks with me first I might see how things go.

But I have a lot of conditions. First I have to have complete control of the money. So he can't spend it if he gets manic again. And second I have to take his car keys and house keys. So if I feel threatened I can stay in our house and he won't be able to come back in. Third , if I see a single problem I will call his doc and the police if necessary. He said he would see his doc immediately if he has any symptoms. But the problem is when he is manic he doesn't always know it.

So I am willing to try if his docs are o.k. with it. Hopefully his boss will make it a permanent thing. Especially since he hates working the day shift. He doesn't like the day job tasks. He loves nights. And he will make a bonus every month plus 10% night differential. But I said a little money now is not worth your health. He has to comply with everything or I am out.

The thing that sucks the most, is that things between us were finally getting back to normal. And now he wants to change it.

Blessed Be.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Hello, there isn't really a whole lot to talk about. But I haven't posted for awhile. So here goes.

Anyway I have been feeling a little guilty lately. I haven't really been keeping up with the belly dancing routines. I still do some of the moves when I am just fooling around. But I haven't been doing it 3 days a week like I had planned. I still want to and I think I will start back up again. I just have very little will power. I am a tv junkie.

Plus I haven't been to Al Anon for the last couple of weeks. Last week was because my husband and both ended up with a crappy cold. This week our son has it. But today I just felt really nauseaous all day. Even though I got up at 6 am and did the dishes and made breakfast and cleaned the house.

I just feel like I should be doing more. I don't know why I have been so lazy lately. I just want to be a teenager and not give a shit about anything.

That's about all for me.

Blessed Be.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Online Support

This is one of the many posts that are on this website that is an online support group from the Depression/Bipolar Support Association. I found it to be an excellent place for advice and comfort. I have only been on it for about a week. But in that time I was crying a lot and grieving the loss of the way my husband used to be and will most likely not be again. But I have also found that there are others out there with Bipolar and thier spouses that have hung in there and able to make their marriages work. I am so happy to have this now and wanted to share it.

My process of finding my way through all of the crap from the last few months has been difficult. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I expect to still have bad days and good days like anyone else. But overall I think there will be more good ones.

Blessed Be.

Pointers to Help a Spouse Live with Mental Illness Denise Delorie, Affiliate Co-ordinator, NAMI Maine

The mental illness your spouse suffers with is something that is happening to your entire family. All are affected and it is nobody's fault. It is not your fault, your spouse's or your children's fault. It is an unfortunate illness.

You cannot fix your spouse. There is nothing you can do to make him or her well, so don't feel compelled to try. What you can do is be supportive, loving and handling the everyday details and practical issues of life that he or she cannot cope with.

All members of the family have a responsibility to cope with the illness. Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with crisis. You all need each other.

The ill spouse must recognize and accept the illness, be willing to receive treatment, and if possible, learn to manage the illness. If the ill spouse is not willing to do these things, it may become impossible for the family to continue to support him or her. The family is not required to throw away their own lives for someone who refuses to cooperate. There are limits and they must be enforced without feelings of guilt.

Educate yourself concerning every aspect of the illness. Education brings compassion. Ignorance just encourages anger and fear.

Grieve your loss. It is a great loss. You need to allow yourself the time and energy to experience the entire process of grieving.

Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge, either from your own counselor or a NAMI support group. You can't do it alone. Don't refuse to recognize your own need for help, just because the ill spouse is getting most of the attention.

Help your children understand the illness as much as their age allows. NO FAMILY SECRETS. Don't deny them the opportunity to learn about the illness, the unfair stigma attached to it, and developing their own skills in coping. It can be an incredible learning opportunity for them. If they need proof and help to understand it and their own feelings, get it for them.

Try to create a safe environment for the spouse to express himself/herself without feeling threatened, constrained or condemned. He or she desperately needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration he or she is feeling about coping with mental illness.

You and your children need to share your feelings, honestly and openly. It's okay to feel angry and cheated. At times you may feel embarrassed by the ill spouse's behavior, avoid trying to protect your spouse by not discussing the problem with family or friends. Don't require your children to conspire with you in a code of "family secrecy." Family secrets will only isolate you from others. Remember that small children, by their very nature, assume that they are responsible for anything in their environment that goes wrong.

Never put yourself or your children in physical danger. If you sense your spouse is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call for professional help. You should never tolerate abuse of you or your children. Trust your instincts and intuitions on this one. Say, "no way" and mean it.

Become your spouse's advocate with the medical professionals, assertively involved in his treatment and medications. If the medical professional or psychiatrist won't cooperate with you, demand a different one! Treatment should involve the entire family, so find a professional who will work with the whole family. You know more about your spouse's illness than anyone else. Trust your instincts.

Coldly assess what your spouse can and cannot handle, the compensate assertively. Some people with mental illness cannot handle money, some household chores, time commitments and too much stress. You must not do things for your spouse that he or she can do for themselves. Don't rob him or her of their dignity.

Maintain your own identity; resist becoming consumed with your spouse's illness. Life goes on. You have an obligation to yourself and your children to take care of yourself and meet your own needs. You all must continue to develop your own interests and talents. You are a valuable human being, so don't play the martyr role and sacrifice yourself. That's just self pity. "Get a life."

Always hope for healing. The medications do work and new ones are being developed. You may get your spouse back whole some day. If nothing else, the experience will broaden and deepen you in ways you never imagined. Or, you can choose to let it destroy you, your family and your marriage. It is your choice.

Keep in mind that bad things happen to good people and you're no exception. You have not been singled out for a special persecution. Trying to make good choices in life won't protect you from misfortune. You haven't been "dumb" to "get yourself in this situation." It is not your fault. Life is not easy, we have to take what we get and make the best of it.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Today I had a baby shower to go to. So I was getting ready of course to leave and when I get to the car, all of the doors are unlocked. Unusual since I always lock them. But then I get into the front seat and the glove compartment is open and so is the console in the middle. The lotion and a tape were in the front passenger seat. First I though my husband must have gone to the car to get something. Then I tried to start the car and the ignition switch plate is missing. SOME BASTARD TRIED TO STEAL MY CAR!!! I was furious. I ran into the house to tell my husband and to call the police. But then he said they weren't going to do anything. Especially since there wasn't anything taken. He told me to just go to the party.

Then as I was leaving I talked to the neighbors that were outside and closest to the house. I told them all what happened and told them to check thier own cars. And low and behold another neighbors' car was also broken into. And she had some cd's stolen.

The worst thing about all of this is that this is the 3rd freaking time that our car has been broken into since we have owned it. Before we had some cd's stolen and a cd player. Another time my husband's leather jacket and a cell phone were taken. And the car has been in a different spot each time. I am just so pissed off. This time nothing was taken becuase there wasn't anything valuable in it. The only thing I am worried about is that my husband's personal info might have been taken, because he tends to leave a lot of paperwork in the car. So I really don't need to go through his maybe having identity theft too. This sucks!!!

Blessed Be. I hope everyone else had a better weekend.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hey sorry about the last post a little. I am definitely pms-ing. I just have been really emotional lately. And I think I am channeling what my sister is going through since she is pregnant. I am trying to calm down now. I am trying to get centered. I definitely need more balance in my life. I am not entirely sure how to go about it though. So I am going to meditate a little and see where it takes me.

Thanks guys.

Blessed Be.

I am so fucking overwhelmed right now. I am currently on a Depression Bipolar Support Assocciation message board for friends and family. This is something that I have definintley needed. But as I am reading all of this I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. My husband's diagnosis seems so helpless. How do I stay married to someone who is going to be so all over the place. the money issues and the depression that I have felt as a result . This is so ludicrous. The feelings are so tumultuous. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just don't. I know that I just found this message board last night. And it is all to soon to tell. But damn it I am so tired of having these fucking ups and downs run my life. I want this to get better. I just don't know how. I think I am doing all of the right things. But who the fuck knows.

I probably look like I am handling all of this o.k. from the outside because most of the time I don't cry and feel bad. I go about my daily stuff. I take care of the kid. I clean the house. And I watch a lot of tv. I know not the best use of my time. but it is what I tend to do.

I have taken a few steps. I started Al Anon and I go once a week. I started excercising 3 times a week. And now I have this Bipoloar(BP) message board to go to. Why does it all have to take so long to feel like your are getting anywhere in your mind?

Does anyone have a clue?

Blessed Be

Saturday, August 05, 2006

My Son's B-day Party

Well I know we just had the party today, but luckily for me my mother in law has a digital camera. So I actually have pics already.

The weird thing is for the last 2 days, my son, has been complaining that and screaming"IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!!!" I have no idea why. When I asked him he screamed he was upset. It has been a little odd. But that is a toddler for you. He didn't even want to get ready to go to Chuck E. Cheese today. I had to talk him into it so he could eat his cake. He helped me make the Buzz Lightyear cake too.

We just had family go to Chuck E. Cheese for the party. We did all the basic stuff. Pizza, drinks, the cake I brought, and of course rides and games. The kids had a blast. My son's cousin came and his grandparents did too. Along with his uncle. But his aunt had to work.

He got a lot more presents than I was expecting. And since his cousin's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, we gave her a present too, It was a baby Bratz doll. D. got a stuffed Buzz from us and 3 Bob the Builder vhs tapes. He got a winter coat and 2 shirts and a pair of pants from Grandma and Grandpa. Plus he got a Lego Buzz Space Ship building set and Toy Story 2 dvd. He got a special blue Buzz from his Aunt, Uncle and cousin. Plus he got this Leap Frog dominoes memory matching set. So he cleaned up with some fat loot. And he hasn't even gotten the presents from my side of the family yet, since his actual birthday isn't until Tuesday.

And when we came home all he wanted to play with were all of the Buzz Lightyear stuff. He played with all of them together and he wanted me to play with him too. I only thing that he wishes that he had a Woody or Emporer Zurg so he could shoot me. He even took a nap with the giant spaceship and the soft Buzz. It was very sweet. I should have taken a picture. But I am sure I will get another chance.

Blessed Be.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A Universal Lesson

I was having some more low feelings today. Not for any particular reason. Nothing bad has happened. But I was feeling yucky about not having anymore kids in the future. Unfortunately at first I just ate some cookies and tried to watch t.v. But then there was nothing on. So I actually chose something a little more productive. I chose to do my belly dancing video instead of vegetating. I actually worked out for 54 of the 60 minute video. So props to me.

I know it isn't much, but at least I am trying to change my mindset lately. I know there isn't anything I can do about my husbands neurological condition. It is there for life. It is going to take some major adjusting. I was just thinking for some stupid reason that it would all go much quicker. Change rarely goes smoothly. I wonder what made me think this would be different.

I have always had a problem with patience. I guess this is another one of the Universe's many lessons for me. Hopefully I will get it this time. I am sick of going through this crap. So if any of you have any tips or secrets for dealing with change and patience, let me know.

Blessed Be.