I am at a low point. And initially I wasn't going to write about it. But I felt like I should get this off my chest. Not so much for people to feel sorry for me, but so I can try to work through my feelings by seeing them in print.
I have been watching an intervention show and the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood on t.v. They have brought the very real crap of my life rushing back to me. The literal craziness and the addiction that has always been in my life through others.
And with all of that I have been crying quite a bit, trying to figure out my life. Lately I have been trying to take things one day to one week at a time. But right now it is going minute by minute. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do about my husband and his mental illness. I know that he has no control over a lot of what happens when he is in an episode and that scares the living hell out of me. I am terrified that he will irrevocably harm my son or myself. I am terrified that he could kill us.
I don't think he is like that right now. He is medicated and going to his therapies like I asked of him. But the doctors and the books all say it is just a matter of time between episodes. He is not cured with the medication, only managed. And when a person is psychotic, they don't know what they are doing. They are following wierd voices in their head. They don't have logic like the rest of us. It all seems normal to them and that the rest of us are crazy.
I don't know if he will be psychotic in the future. The doctors don't know either. It is all just a big waiting game. It totally sucks. I don't want to wait for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to worry anymore.
Thanks for being out there. Don't get me wrong. Things have been going just fine around here. My husband hasn't shown any signs at all of another episode. He actually seems to be coming out of his depression a little bit. These are just lingering doubts that I have had since he was in the hospital last. The worst part is that I am truly loving him again. And I don't want to go through this crap again. And my son deserves to have the most normal life I can give him. So do I.
Granted the doubts that I have are pretty heavy. And I am sure if I was in a battered women's shelter, I would be told to get out now while we both can. But is it the same when someone is sick? Or is it all just a matter of safety? I don't have any answers and no one else does either. I know love is not enough. And we need to feel safe above all else. I guess I am just getting sucked in by the "honeymoon" phase. But trust me this is no honeymoon. And recovery and therapy is not a quick fix. So how long do I wait? How long before I know?