Monday, July 31, 2006

I am at a low point. And initially I wasn't going to write about it. But I felt like I should get this off my chest. Not so much for people to feel sorry for me, but so I can try to work through my feelings by seeing them in print.

I have been watching an intervention show and the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood on t.v. They have brought the very real crap of my life rushing back to me. The literal craziness and the addiction that has always been in my life through others.

And with all of that I have been crying quite a bit, trying to figure out my life. Lately I have been trying to take things one day to one week at a time. But right now it is going minute by minute. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do about my husband and his mental illness. I know that he has no control over a lot of what happens when he is in an episode and that scares the living hell out of me. I am terrified that he will irrevocably harm my son or myself. I am terrified that he could kill us.

I don't think he is like that right now. He is medicated and going to his therapies like I asked of him. But the doctors and the books all say it is just a matter of time between episodes. He is not cured with the medication, only managed. And when a person is psychotic, they don't know what they are doing. They are following wierd voices in their head. They don't have logic like the rest of us. It all seems normal to them and that the rest of us are crazy.

I don't know if he will be psychotic in the future. The doctors don't know either. It is all just a big waiting game. It totally sucks. I don't want to wait for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to worry anymore.

Thanks for being out there. Don't get me wrong. Things have been going just fine around here. My husband hasn't shown any signs at all of another episode. He actually seems to be coming out of his depression a little bit. These are just lingering doubts that I have had since he was in the hospital last. The worst part is that I am truly loving him again. And I don't want to go through this crap again. And my son deserves to have the most normal life I can give him. So do I.

Granted the doubts that I have are pretty heavy. And I am sure if I was in a battered women's shelter, I would be told to get out now while we both can. But is it the same when someone is sick? Or is it all just a matter of safety? I don't have any answers and no one else does either. I know love is not enough. And we need to feel safe above all else. I guess I am just getting sucked in by the "honeymoon" phase. But trust me this is no honeymoon. And recovery and therapy is not a quick fix. So how long do I wait? How long before I know?

Blessed Be.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Dragon Boat Festival Part 2

more examples of what we saw

And you know that Hula is a little like belly dancing. It is a lot of hip action with skirts that swing.

Dragon Boat Festival

Well it was terribly hot today around 97. But since I am not working I want to be able to spend lots of time doing all of the things I miss when working weekends. So i wanted to go to the dragon boat festival. However my husband was feeling quite ill. So I decided to take my son and go anyway.

It was down in Lakewood at this park next to a lake of course. It was a free festival that is going on the whole weekend. It's free to see everything, but the cost of the food and the wares can be a little expensive. But I didn't have much cash, so I knew we would have to make the little amount of money work.

First thing I was lucky to find a relatively close parking space next to a house only 2 blocks away. But I think I was able to do that because we didn't get there till around 3:30. That was because I wanted to be cheap about the food, so we went to Mickey D's first and I let the kid play a little bit. I was a little prepared for the weather. I brought a couple of water bottles and D.'s hat and of course sunblock. But it was so I hot all I really wanted to do was get into air conditioning. But as long as we were in shade it wasn't too bad.

They had a stage all set up for different types of performances. The first ones we saw were of martial arts dances and some with swords. Then we went walking around to find the boats. They would only race 2 at a time. And it was kind of slow, so we walked around a bit. But the boats were beautiful. The different booths were giving some stuff away. We got a little motorized handheld fan for D. and a water bottle. Plus some cardboard fans. D. got to color his own dragon masks. And there was this yogurt stand and their mascot was a cow, so D. got a picture with him.

Later we got a little hungry, but mostly just hot. We wanted ice cream, but settled for a Hawaiian shaved ice and some potstickers. It was pretty good. After that I was getting tired and wanted to go home, but I heard some drumming from the stage. They were Taiko drums. It is this large group of people holding onto these huge thick wooden wands for these drums that were the size of a small table. It is a lot of fun to watch. After that was the Hula dancers. But there were men too doing dances that would prepare them for battle. The men would stomp their feet and slap their chests and knees. It was quite impressive especially since while they were dancing they were shaking the whole stage back and forth.

That is about it. These pics are examples and not from the acutal festival I went to. Sorry, but I don't have a digital camera.

Blessed Be.

Well I have had a really busy couple of days. First on Thursday I decided to take D. downtown to the main library. But of course my husband had the car. So we took the bus all day long. We left rather early at 8:30 and didn't get home till after 5p.m. First we went to Storytime at the library. We sang songs too. He actually sit pretty still for most of story time too. Then after that they have craft time. D. made a macaroni person and a rock garden. His words, not mine. He decided on the picture too. But I helped him put the person together. He chose all of the different pasta and beans and what they were to be used for.

After that we went to get some quick lunch at McDonald's and on another bus to the mall playground. This one has giant food to play on. There are sausage, bacon, fried eggs, strawberries, bananas, and a bowl of cereal to play on. D. loved running around and playing with the kids. But we ended up having to leave because he kept hitting a little girl and wanting her to play a certain way on the sausages. He kept wanting to be Buzz Lightyear. But the little girl was having no part of it. So we left the mall and went shopping elsewhere.

At this point D. was pretty tuckered out. Thank the Goddess. We went to this really cool shop called Wizard's Chest. The outside of the building looks like a castle. And inside they have all kinds of board games and magic tricks and costumes and dragons and stuff like that. We easily spent at leat an hour or more there. We went upstairs and tried on all kinds of hats and wigs and costume stuff. D. dressed up like a skeleton pirate. He loved it.

Finally we went to have another meal at Village Inn and then we were on our way to catch another bus. But we only had 10 min till it got there. So even in the 95 degree heat I ran to catch the bus so we wouldn't have to wait another 30 min. Poor D. was so tired he just feel asleep in my lap on the bus. Unfortunately we had to transfer to another one that would take us pretty close to our house.

We get up to the park-n-ride and walk about a mile home. Thank goodness that there were a couple of little girls outside selling lemonade. We were really hot and thirsty. And for only a $1 we got two pretty big cups of the yummy stuff. A couple of blocks later we were home.

And now for Friday. I first got up early to finish cleaning up the main floor of the house. I put all of D's. toys away and vacuumed the living room, then I swept and mopped. And finally did the dishes. Then I had to get D and myself ready for the day. At around 10:30 a.m. one of my client's came over for a haircut. After that we got to lounge around the house a little. But when my husband came home we got ready to go to the mall playground by our house with the dinosaurs. By the time I got home I had a message from one of my friends that it was girls night out.

So of course I had to find something to wear and take a shower and get ready. There is a little more to tell, but it gets to be a little R rated. So bye for now.

Blessed Be.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

My New Love

Oh, how I am loving my new obsession. It is fun to dance and it works off a lot of the pounds (hopefully) as long as I stick with it. I went shopping today and bought a dvd of Veena and Neena, the twin belly dancers, Fitness for Beginners BellyDance. I already used it and it kicked my butt. But I was able to make it all the way through. And I learned new steps. But I already know that I need to get more dvd's or go to lessons.

Plus I went to the fabric store and looked for patterns for belly dance costumes and found a few. A few are very Indian. And the others are more like costumes, than clothes. But the differnce will be made with the fabric that I end up choosing. But it will be very expensive. Just for the dvd and the patterns was $40.

Then I went downtown and went to Herbs and Arts to see if they had books or hip scarves. They didn't, but they sent me down the street to a place that imports stuff from Nepal and Tibet. I saw a few things I liked, but I had D. with me and he was getting rowdy. So we had to leave. The cost of a hip scarf with the coins on it is around $40 and the same for a chain and coin belt. They had all kinds of accesories. So I can't wait to go back there.

Plus the Metaphysical fair is coming up in September at the Merchandise Mart. Or the one in October in Colorado Springs. There is always good stuff there. But it is usually too expensive, or I have a reason I can't buy it.

No more excuses. I am going to get myself a healthy hobby. I love to go dancing. And my husband used to go with me a little. And we always had a good time. But he is getting lazy about the whole thing. So I guess I will just do this one by myself.

And Jess, I would love it if you sent me the tapes you have. Or anything else that you have that would work that you don't want.

Of course here I am as I am typing this I am eating cookie dough. At least the workout will cancel out the calories I just ate.

Blessed Be.

The dance is a poem, of which each movement is a word." - Mata Hari

Friday, July 21, 2006

Belly Dancing

Well I don't really have a whole lot going on around here. But I was flipping channels and saw on the fitness channel instruction on how to belly dance. I have always loved the idea. I even had a couple of friends back in the day that used to do it. So I have been wanting to take a class. But I tend to be a little shy sometimes unless I have a group of friends with me. So I was thrilled to see it on t.v. I know there are videos out there to buy and stuff. But hey, this was free.

So anyway I watched for a little while and I actually decided to get off my ass and practice a little. And I am not half bad. If I practiced and learned a few steps I could actually do this. Now of course I want the costume to go with it. So I am a little obsessed with figuring out how I can make one myself. Maybe I will be a bellydancer for Halloween.

When my husband came home from work yesterday, I showed him a couple of the moves I learned. He was definitely turned on and I was just wearing p.j, pants and a tshirt. So I think I could get good at this. Now I will have to devote some time and effort into it. Of course right now I have all the time in the world.

Blessed Be.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Well I am feeling pretty crappy right now. I have been making phone calls all day to all of the companies and creditors for my husband's medical bills. They total somewhere around $27,000. I have been filling out hardship papers from some of the hospitals and calling the other people to see if they will go off the hospital reccomendations or if they have their own paperwork. Some will go off of the individual hospitals. Others have already been sent to collections and will not help other than a payment plan. The probelm with that is we really don't have the money at all to pay these people. The only shining light is that only ONE company already wrote off $150 bill for us. Thank Goddess. So now it is a waiting game to see how much we can get our bills reduced. But I have already been crying today over the mess.

Yesterday I went to the party store to price and pick up birthday party supplies. The cost for everything including Chuck E. Cheese is around $200. I told my husband and he said no way. I know intellectually that he is pretty much right. But I want D. to have a good birthday. It is probably all in my own head. I want him to have good day and memory of his day. But in all likelihood, my husband and I will take him to Chuck E. Cheese alone. I feel bad for him because he doesn't have any friends. I want to get him involved with other kids more. But I can't afford a class to enroll him in and I don't have the transportation to get him there.

Of course these feelings of inadequecy aren't helped much by my pregnant friends either. I also went shopping for baby shower gifts yesterday. And when I was there looking at all of the baby clothes, I felt this awful feeling of dread that I have closed the door on the idea of having more children. I love kids and always wanted at least 2. But with my husband's medical history and our lack of financial stability it makes more sense not to have any more. But my head and my heart are having a hard time communicating.

I will be fine and I am just venting my frustrations. But I am kind of low right now.

Blessed Be.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Birthday stuff

Well I guess things are going o.k. I am in the process of trying to figure out a birthday party for my son. He is going to be 3 in 3 weeks. And I was planning on having it at Chuck E. Cheese. It is not my favorite place, but it is relatively cheap and kind of close by, plus D. loves it there. He likes the rides and skee ball. He likes the show and the food. Kids are cute that way. My biggest problem is that he doesn't really have a lot of friends, plus his birthday is so close to back to school. So I am trying to plan it as best I can so that he can have some fun with a few kids. So far all of the dates I have chosen don't really work. I only have a list of 9 kids to invite, but a lot of parents won't be able to make it. Including, maybe my own husband. He might have to work on the only day that all of the kids could come. So what is a mother to do? If any of you have any ideas how to make this work let me know.

Blessed Be.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Well hello out there. I haven't posted or even checked my site or email for a few days. I have actually been spending a lot of time in the real world. Amazing isn't it? But I felt like I needed to catch you up on my life. Plus I like having the journaling aspect of things.

So of course hipchick came for a visit last week. It was so nice to see her and her whole family. I miss them so much and loved hanging out with them. We went to the butterfly pavilion and to the botanical gardens while she was in town. We had a great time. My son, D. loved having "kids" "friends" and "guys" to play with. Since he is an only child he has to wait for my friends to come over with their kids. Thank Goddess that he is so agreeable and likes to play with everyone. Of course this can cause problems when some other kids don't want to play with him. It doesn't bother D, just the other kid.

Of course if you have been reading my blog over the last couple of months you know that my husband has a few issues. We have been working them out. But I have requested that he do most of the work. I wanted him to go to AA, couseling with a therapist every other week and a bipolar support group once a week. Plus he has to take his meds every day. And I thought things would be very smooth once he accomplished all of this stuff. Not so. Recovery and progress are slow. And my very good friend suggested for the millionth time that I start couseling as well. I have always said that I would relish the idea. That I truly want to go and work out my own shit. But I have been stubborn in thinking that most of the shit belonged to my husband. Now I know that is wrong. It is shared shit. We all have to deal with it. So for the first time I went to Al Anon. I liked it and shared a small part of my story.

Originally I was planning on going to yesterdays meeting. Then things have been going rather well with my husband. Even when he came home yesterday from work I liked being around him. But then I realized I am not only going to go to Al Anon for the bad days, but the good ones as well. And that very soon we will have a bad day. So I need to jump right in. It is run a lot like AA. You even get a first day chip with the serenity prayer on it. And I have to say that living day by day right now is a good way to go about things. It helps to think that I don't need to plan every part of my life out right now. I can just go with the flow and see if we can truly work out our stuff and become a loving family again. I hope so. Because even if we can't I still have to deal with my husband for the rest of my life because of our wonderful son. And I would still love my husband even if we weren't together because of some of his great qualities and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him.

Then there is my night life. I have been going out with my girlfriends a lot lately. We have been going to bars about 2 or 3 times a week. It has been kind of draining. We stay out too late. I stay out the latest since I am the designated driver and have to make sure everyone makes it home. But that is the price you pay for loving your friends. It is totally worth it. But maybe we need a bit of a break. I could use the extra sleep. Plus I got into a really big fight with one of my friends last night and I am not really happy about it. I really like this girl, but not some of the things she has been saying. She has just been too judgemental lately. But I am sure we will all get over it.

So be well and Blessed Be.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Well it has been a very busy and kind of crazy couple of weeks. A friend of mine, we will call her Rain, is seperated from her husband and is most likely getting divorced. She has moved into her new place and we have all been going out quite a bit lately. Rain is definitely ready to move forward with her dating life, so I have been helping her to do so. I am also living a little vicariously through her. I am still getting to go out to the bars and have a good time, I just don't get to make out with new people every time. And since we have been going out so much, I am not getting enough sleep or rest these days. But I am o.k. with that. At least until my son jumps on my back and tells me to wake up.

Plus we have those season passes to Six Flags and we have been going almost every other day for the last 2 weeks straight. So I got a little bit of a sunburn on my head, right in the part of my hair. The sad thing is that I actually put sunblock on it. My husband also got sunburned all over his chest and face. He is part Cherokee and Chocktaw(sp?), so he normally tans just fine, but not lately. So we decided to take a few days off.

And now my best friend from the midwest is coming to visit tomorrow. I can't wait. We are trying to come up with some relatively cheap entertainment for everyone for the next couple of days. And we might have another girls' night out. So when I have more to report I will.

Blessed Be.