Tuesday, May 30, 2006

(here are a few pics of my son in April at his great granparents house)

I'm sorry that my posts lately have been such a downer. Unfortunately my life has been pretty chaotic. But I will be going on vacation soon. I am going back to St. Louis to see my mom and then to Kentucky to see the rest of the family. My son and I are going home for a family reunion. So it should be nice. Hopefully I will have lots of pics to post. But only if someone has a digital camera we can use. Otherwise you will all have to just deal with the next posting after I get back, pictureless.

I am hoping it won't be too hot. But this is the midwest and it is summer. Plus the humidity. So currently I am in the process of cleaning the entire house and doing tons of laundry to get ready to leave next week. I also have a small craft project going so that my son will be able to wear a new beach hat when we are at the beach/lakefront.

It should be a lot of fun. We will be staying in a cabin with my aunt, cousin and my mom. It is right on the lake. Plus we have a pool and a playground at the cabin site. It even has 2 bedrooms and a kitchen so we can cut costs and make our own meals. I of course will post more when we get back about the trip.

Hopefully I will have something interesting to post this week before we leave. If not I probably won't be able to post much, since I won't have any internet access.

Blessed Be.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Emotions vs. Logic

For the last week I have been wondering why we even have emotions. They are a total pain in the ass. Most of the time they take over my life. I have always been a very emotionaly driven kind of person. Normally I think this is a good thing. But lately I have had so much strife in my life that I am finding it difficult to understand where all of the crap is coming from.

I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it stems from decisions that I have made over the past 10 years or so. And since I am so emotionally driven, these decisions have been made mostly with my heart and not my head. So of course I have also come to the conclusion that emotions suck for the moment.

Yes love is a wonderful thing. And you have to take the good with the bad. You have to feel one to understand the other.

But I feel like if I had made more decisons with my head and not just my heart, maybe I wouldn't be in the pickle that I am in. Here are some examples. I got married, even though we were having terrible problems mostly so that I could have a child. I was obsessed about having a baby. And I was almost 30 and was freaking out about that. I wanted a house of our own, and even though I was pretty sure that financially we couldn't afford it, I let my sister-in-law talk me into it. So later my husband lost his job, after we bought the house, and we still got married. Then we proceeded to get pregnant right away. Later my husband lost another job and I was put on bed rest and we almost lost the house. It put us in so much debt that 1 1/2 years later we did file for bankruptcy. Then 5 months after that my husband lost another job and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had a psychotic break. And of course if you have been reading this lately you know what has been going on for the last couple of months.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY SON WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!! But I think I should have thought things through a little more. So with all of the things just going on with my husband, my child and my marriage, we have been so close to divorce the entire time. We can only seem to get along for just a couple of months at a time. And our financial situation is about the same.

It just feels like we can't ever seem to get ahead. So I have to take some responsibility in this. So I need to determine what I have been doing wrong. And I think a lot of it is that I am too emotional.

But how do you stop being like that? I don't want to be a closed off individual. I like my personality for the most part. I just don't like the shit that has been happening for the last few years. I know I need therapy. And I am working on that. But if anyone has any advice, let me in on it.

Sometimes I feel like life shouldn't be this hard. But then I look at what happens to other people in the news. The hurricane victims. Other people who are on welfare. What is it that we as a society and as individuals need to do to give ourselves and others a hand up? Is it sheer determination? Or is it something undefinable?

I am not sure. But I think my sister seems to know more than I do. I know her life isn't perfect. But she doesn't seem to have the immense problems that I have faced over the years. Or is it just the fact that I have chosen someone to share my life with that wasn't the smartest choice?

We all have problems. But what is it that makes some peoples lives so miserable and others seem to have it so much better? Not just monetarily, but family and friends, and carreer too.

I don't really have answers, just a lot of questions. But if anyone knows what I mean, please comment.

Blessed Be.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

I thought I was over being fired.

Well I thought I was mostly over being fired. But for the last few days I keep having dreams about getting fired. Some of them are exactly how it happened. Others are what I would say if I knew it was coming, I guess. And others are just slightly different than the actual event.

But hey there is good news. I am getting unemployment at almost exactly how much I made on a weekly basis. Which is fantastic. Of course I won't be getting tips, but I won't be spending as much money to go out to eat for lunch and in gas to drive all the way there. Plus I actually get to spend some time with my husband and child as a family. Now there is a concept. Of course my husband isn't really feeling up to it these days.

Other slightly good news. My husband can work a few hours of overtime to make up for me not working. So all in all we will be doing o.k.

I try not to think about actually getting fired, instead I try to think that I get to be home with my family for some fun. But that doesn't always work. I have friends that are trying to be sweet and ask how I am doing. So this just brings it up again. Plus I keep trying not to think about doing hair, color or looking at everyones hair style. But it is deep in the part of who I am and what i love to do. And I see commercials about hair, and movies with chicks with bad hair, and when I am out in public I just want to give out my card. But I don't have a business card right now. It sucks.

I went out a few nights ago with some friends and I ended up fixing their hair at the bar. I know I have a sickness. I did get to cut my husbands hair, which I didn't want to do. He kept pressuring me. He did need a haircut. I am sure in his mind it helped me out somehow. Time is really the only thing that is going to help this situation. Plus having a ton of fun this summer.

Now that I am out of work I am going to go to St. Louis and Kentucky for 2 weeks instead of one. My family is happy, I am not. It is just going to be stressful with the kid and all. He will be good for a few days, but I don't think he will handle 2 weeks traveling so well. It isn't like we are just going to one place. We have to fly to St. Louis, then drive a day or two later for 4 hours to Kentucky. We will stay there for 4 days then it is back to St. Louis. Then we might go to Kansas City to visit my best friend. It is still kind of up in the air. I will know more in a few days. Don't get me wrong. I want to see all of these people. I only see them once a year. But it is a lot of traveling all at once. I think I could handle it just fine by myself. It just that my son is still pretty young and we don't travel much with him. But we will see. He might surprise me.

Not much else to say.
Blessed Be.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I'm sorry I haven't written anything for a couple of days. I have had a lot of ideas swirling through my head, but I can't seem to get anything down. They aren't real clear at the moment. I actually have about three posts in my head, but they keep getting confused. Last night as I was trying to sleep it was making sense and I probably should have posted then, But since I woke up I can't remember what I was thinking. So sorry for now. Hopefully I will remember and post soon.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

My Totally Fucked Up Day!!!!

I was just fired from my job about an hour ago. I had to pack up all of my stuff in front of the other stylists. It was humiliating. I don't want to get into the details about why. I just know that my boss has been upset with me for the last month. I knew there were things wrong. But I wasn't written up or anything. I wish they had done it on Monday when I was there for training. It would have been a lot easier and less money for me. It actually cost money for me to go to work today.

Now I have to try and call my old employer, whom I despise, just so we don't lose any money by me being out of work. The only thing good about it would be that I would have most of my old clients again. So I would be busy enogh to be able to pay my bills, hopefully. But as of right this moment my old boss is on vacation. So I have to wait out the weekend not knowing what will happen.

And with everything that has been going on for the last couple of months, this is about to be the straw that broke the camels back. I don't have any strength left in me. And my husband really doesn't have any support to give me either. He just wants to go to bed ans sleep because he is depressed. As I am typing this I am crying and am so overwhelmed.

And of course I am pissed off at the money I have spent for my training and clothing and more equipment that I couldn't really afford. But I was trying to better our financial position for the long run. And it blew up in my face.

Now my poor son has two totally fucked up parents that just can't seem to get it together. I feel so pathetic. And since my boss was saying that I have been doing such a poor job lately and my previous employer had said things to that effect as well, I think maybe I shouldn't be a hairdresser any more. I just don't know what to believe right now.

I'm sure the Universe has something in mind, but I don't have a clue what it is. And right now I am pretty pissed about my whole situation. I can't ever to seem to get ahead. Every time I think I have done the right thing, it seems to backfire. God please give me a clue. I can't figure things out right now.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The lies we tell ourselves.

I just watched an episode of Oprah with Dr. Robin Smith about her new book "Lies at the Altar". It was definitely one of the wakeup calls that I have been needing. But I have also had a lot of them these days. The Goddess is yelling at me to wake up and see my life for what it is and to fix it.

I saw a lot of myself in the women on that stage today. I did have reservations before I married my husband. I even tried couples counseling before the big day. But I blew a lot of that stuff off because of a lot of things. I was getting older. I wanted children very soon. I wanted to get married and have the perfect life. I wanted someone to take care of me. I wanted someone around all the time for friendship, love, companionship, sex. I wanted to be those things to someone else. And I did get most of those things. I lost me in the process.

But what I neglected, was all of the warning signs beforehand. The arguing. The physical fights. The cops at the front door. We didn't continue with counseling. We went to 3 sessions and that was it. We didn't continue to work on our relationship or ourselves. We just tried to get pregnant right away.

We got our wonderful bundle of joy a year later. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't take any of my life back to not have him. But I wish the circumstances had been better.

So now I have to make those circumstances better somehow. I have to start counseling for myself. I have to start going after my dreams and taking care of my soul, not just his. I have to stop putting things off for me just because we are low on money. I have to figure out a way to get the things and desires for myself on my own. No one will do it for me.

In some ways I envy my husband. He has always gone after what he wants and gets it. Even though sometimes it is detrimental to the family or our finances. But he still gets what he thinks he needs. I need to start doing some of that for myself.

I don't know how to go about this without being selfish. Without undermining our relationship. Without having a better money situation. I am confused about a lot of this. I just know deep in my heart and soul that I need to do these things.

On Oprah, they were asking the women what makes them truly happy. And Lance Armstrong's ex wife said now after the divorce she finally knows all of them. I think I know what makes me happy and how to go about it. But money has always been an obstacle for some of them.
I love my son and the joy he brings me.
I love my friends and the time I spend with them.
I love to travel.
I like to read.
I like to see movies.
I love women.
I love to spend time in the mountains, camping and hiking,
I love to drive fast.
I love to paint.
I love to do craft projects.
I love my husband.
I like to go horseback riding.
I love to go swimming.

And as I am typing the things I love, I only see a couple of them that I do on a regular basis. My family. I rarely if ever get to do the other things. No wonder I am depressed and unhappy with my life. It isn't entirely my husband's fault for the things that I have neglected about myself. I let him run over my feelings and ideas. I let him do whatever makes him happy mostly because of his illness. That isn't fair to me, my husband or my son. I am less because of it. And no one gets to be with the real happy me.

I am jealous of you hipchickmamma. You have followed your dreams, Even though there have been naysayers in your life. You have done it. It has been difficult for you at times. It has been nerve racking. And I am sure that you have even had arguements with your husband over it. But you have set a goal for yourself and you are accomplishing it. I am sad that I haven't had the courage to do it myself.

I have let all of the curveballs that life throws at you to put me down. That is why I am lonely and affraid. I have let my money rule my life instead of letting my life rule my money. I don't have much, but neither does anyone else that I know. And a lot of my friends are still accomplishing something with their lives.

Don't get me wrong. I know I let "myself" go in lieu of taking care of my son. My whole focus has been on him. But I am glad that he is getting older and I now can devote the time I need for me. So far my blogs are the only thing I have. But it is a start. It is small, but everything in life starts with one step.

In the next couple of days I am going to my first AlAnon meeting. Hopefully that will start to help get some peace of mind regarding my husband and my father. And if anyone has any ideas on how to start a life again after closing myself off, let me know.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wanting to try a different life

Well I was just watching PBS special Texas Ranch house. It was very interesting. But of course I have liked all of the shows they have done on families going back to the past to relive wilds of those times. I love how they actually live as though they are in the 1800's. They wear the clothes, they build their own homes, they have to barter for their supplies and everything else.
I guess one of the reasons that I love these shows is that I have always thought I was born in the wrong era. I got that impression originally from my father. He always said that I liked the outdoors so much and hunting, fishing and such. Plus I like the romantic feel of the times. Of course I am too much of a feminist to really have enjoyed those times. I would be too pissed off at the men treating me that way. And I certainly wouldn't like having to only wear dresses. But I do like the fact that they have to survive by their wits and their abilities. It is truly survival of the fittest.

I'm sorry that I am not much of a writer and have a hard time getting my point across. I think I would like to join one of those shows. Even though I have grown quite accustomed to living in this century with all of the conveniences. I do like air conditioning. But I would like to see what I am made of. I think I could make it. I would be uncomfortable but I would really enjoy it. Of course I don't think it would be a good idea with such a small child and I don't think I could leave my son with family for a few months till the show was over. But it would be very interesting.

Does anyone else out there know what I mean? Would anyone else like to do such a thing?

Blessed Be.