I just watched an episode of Oprah with Dr. Robin Smith about her new book "Lies at the Altar". It was definitely one of the wakeup calls that I have been needing. But I have also had a lot of them these days. The Goddess is yelling at me to wake up and see my life for what it is and to fix it.
I saw a lot of myself in the women on that stage today. I did have reservations before I married my husband. I even tried couples counseling before the big day. But I blew a lot of that stuff off because of a lot of things. I was getting older. I wanted children very soon. I wanted to get married and have the perfect life. I wanted someone to take care of me. I wanted someone around all the time for friendship, love, companionship, sex. I wanted to be those things to someone else. And I did get most of those things. I lost me in the process.
But what I neglected, was all of the warning signs beforehand. The arguing. The physical fights. The cops at the front door. We didn't continue with counseling. We went to 3 sessions and that was it. We didn't continue to work on our relationship or ourselves. We just tried to get pregnant right away.
We got our wonderful bundle of joy a year later. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't take any of my life back to not have him. But I wish the circumstances had been better.
So now I have to make those circumstances better somehow. I have to start counseling for myself. I have to start going after my dreams and taking care of my soul, not just his. I have to stop putting things off for me just because we are low on money. I have to figure out a way to get the things and desires for myself on my own. No one will do it for me.
In some ways I envy my husband. He has always gone after what he wants and gets it. Even though sometimes it is detrimental to the family or our finances. But he still gets what he thinks he needs. I need to start doing some of that for myself.
I don't know how to go about this without being selfish. Without undermining our relationship. Without having a better money situation. I am confused about a lot of this. I just know deep in my heart and soul that I need to do these things.
On Oprah, they were asking the women what makes them truly happy. And Lance Armstrong's ex wife said now after the divorce she finally knows all of them. I think I know what makes me happy and how to go about it. But money has always been an obstacle for some of them.
I love my son and the joy he brings me.
I love my friends and the time I spend with them.
I love to travel.
I like to read.
I like to see movies.
I love women.
I love to spend time in the mountains, camping and hiking,
I love to drive fast.
I love to paint.
I love to do craft projects.
I love my husband.
I like to go horseback riding.
I love to go swimming.
And as I am typing the things I love, I only see a couple of them that I do on a regular basis. My family. I rarely if ever get to do the other things. No wonder I am depressed and unhappy with my life. It isn't entirely my husband's fault for the things that I have neglected about myself. I let him run over my feelings and ideas. I let him do whatever makes him happy mostly because of his illness. That isn't fair to me, my husband or my son. I am less because of it. And no one gets to be with the real happy me.
I am jealous of you hipchickmamma. You have followed your dreams, Even though there have been naysayers in your life. You have done it. It has been difficult for you at times. It has been nerve racking. And I am sure that you have even had arguements with your husband over it. But you have set a goal for yourself and you are accomplishing it. I am sad that I haven't had the courage to do it myself.
I have let all of the curveballs that life throws at you to put me down. That is why I am lonely and affraid. I have let my money rule my life instead of letting my life rule my money. I don't have much, but neither does anyone else that I know. And a lot of my friends are still accomplishing something with their lives.
Don't get me wrong. I know I let "myself" go in lieu of taking care of my son. My whole focus has been on him. But I am glad that he is getting older and I now can devote the time I need for me. So far my blogs are the only thing I have. But it is a start. It is small, but everything in life starts with one step.
In the next couple of days I am going to my first AlAnon meeting. Hopefully that will start to help get some peace of mind regarding my husband and my father. And if anyone has any ideas on how to start a life again after closing myself off, let me know.