Sunday, May 21, 2006

Emotions vs. Logic

For the last week I have been wondering why we even have emotions. They are a total pain in the ass. Most of the time they take over my life. I have always been a very emotionaly driven kind of person. Normally I think this is a good thing. But lately I have had so much strife in my life that I am finding it difficult to understand where all of the crap is coming from.

I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it stems from decisions that I have made over the past 10 years or so. And since I am so emotionally driven, these decisions have been made mostly with my heart and not my head. So of course I have also come to the conclusion that emotions suck for the moment.

Yes love is a wonderful thing. And you have to take the good with the bad. You have to feel one to understand the other.

But I feel like if I had made more decisons with my head and not just my heart, maybe I wouldn't be in the pickle that I am in. Here are some examples. I got married, even though we were having terrible problems mostly so that I could have a child. I was obsessed about having a baby. And I was almost 30 and was freaking out about that. I wanted a house of our own, and even though I was pretty sure that financially we couldn't afford it, I let my sister-in-law talk me into it. So later my husband lost his job, after we bought the house, and we still got married. Then we proceeded to get pregnant right away. Later my husband lost another job and I was put on bed rest and we almost lost the house. It put us in so much debt that 1 1/2 years later we did file for bankruptcy. Then 5 months after that my husband lost another job and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had a psychotic break. And of course if you have been reading this lately you know what has been going on for the last couple of months.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY SON WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!! But I think I should have thought things through a little more. So with all of the things just going on with my husband, my child and my marriage, we have been so close to divorce the entire time. We can only seem to get along for just a couple of months at a time. And our financial situation is about the same.

It just feels like we can't ever seem to get ahead. So I have to take some responsibility in this. So I need to determine what I have been doing wrong. And I think a lot of it is that I am too emotional.

But how do you stop being like that? I don't want to be a closed off individual. I like my personality for the most part. I just don't like the shit that has been happening for the last few years. I know I need therapy. And I am working on that. But if anyone has any advice, let me in on it.

Sometimes I feel like life shouldn't be this hard. But then I look at what happens to other people in the news. The hurricane victims. Other people who are on welfare. What is it that we as a society and as individuals need to do to give ourselves and others a hand up? Is it sheer determination? Or is it something undefinable?

I am not sure. But I think my sister seems to know more than I do. I know her life isn't perfect. But she doesn't seem to have the immense problems that I have faced over the years. Or is it just the fact that I have chosen someone to share my life with that wasn't the smartest choice?

We all have problems. But what is it that makes some peoples lives so miserable and others seem to have it so much better? Not just monetarily, but family and friends, and carreer too.

I don't really have answers, just a lot of questions. But if anyone knows what I mean, please comment.

Blessed Be.


At 12:39 PM, Anonymous i think you know who! said...

first of all, your sister is a HUGE BITCH! you don't want to be like her! think about it, really, think about it. so her life may look nice on the outside but is she remotely happy? she can't possibly be, if she was she wouldn't be such a raving bitch!

let's face it, some people don't even have fucking boots to pull themselves up with. i don't think that's you but i'm sick of hearing the pull yourself up by your bootstraps shit.

it does take a lot of determination, pure stubbornness, and i've found the desire to prove others wrong to be a huge factor in giving me fire and sustanence to keep going.

i stand by my belief that emotions are not bad. i tend to think that if we listened more often to our emotions then we would avoid the pitfalls in which we fall from time to time.

my first marriage was a joke. i can remember picking a fight with R about not changing my name so that he'd call off the wedding, but did i listen? nope.

emotions certainly can complicate things but those gut feelings often tell us what we don't want to hear and so we make up something to distract us. we ignore the orginal emotion, our instinct and that's what creates the huge mess. just a theory.

i don't know what else, i doubt any of that helps but i don't want you to be like your sister---yuck!

At 3:45 PM, Blogger BlueGoddess said...

Oh, I totally agree that my sister is a bitch. But that wasn't really where I was going with the post. What I meant was, that if I had used my head ( and maybe listened to my gut instinct) I wouldn't have ended up in the messes that I created.


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