Saturday, December 23, 2006

Let It Snow

Hello everyone. I know it has been some time since I have posted anything. I have been in the process of getting ready to leave for vacation in St. Louis and Kentucky as well as still trying to purchase a car. Then we had to get dumped on by the snow. So there is a lot to say.

First my husband and I are trying to work things out. He has been home now for a couple of days. But he is staying in the basement so that we can have our seperate space. We have at least been able to be civil to one another regarding our child and paying the bills and getting stuff done around the house.

Then we purchased a new car. I have been a little leary of posting anything until we found out about our financing. They actually let you take the car home until the financing comes through. Which of course I think is ridiculous. But I didn't make the rules. So as of right now we have a 2006 Kia Spectra in white. It is a nice little car and the perfect size for our family. Plus it has 10 year/ 100,000 mile warranty bumper to bumper and powertrain. So that is the main reason we bought this car.

Next I have been getting all of our clothes and the house ready to go on vacation. I was completely packed and had bought all of the Christmas presents. I was totally ready to go. But then we got hit with the Blizzard. And of course got bogged down in 3 FEET of snow. With drifts 5-6 feet high. It has been quite the feet of shoveling to move all of the snow just to get out the front door. Then to shovel enough to get to the car that is only 30 feet away. I took pictures with a regular camera. But we all know how I am about actually getting them developed. Luckily my mother in law took a few pics at her house and emailed me. The pics in the snow are of my niece at her grandma's and they are trying to dig their way out. The other pics are of my son opening Xmas presents from grandma since we are leaving town for Xmas.

So with the snow I am now going to leave for my vacation on Sunday, Christmas Eve. I just hope everything works out. I will try to get back to you all soon to let you know how things went. I hope you all have a great Holiday whatever you celebrate.

Blessed Be. Merry Yule and Merry Christmas.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

There is this dark abyss in my heart.
It is black and colorless
The absence of light
And it feels like there is no way out.
The lonliness is overwhelming.
I can't move
Forward or back
I fell heavy and alone
My child is my only salvation
He keeps me alive
Thoughts of him keep the darkness just at bay.


It must be nice to be able to write about sweet and wonderful things. I haven't had a lot of that over the last couple of years. Of course there is always the occasional day that things go well. Especially with my son. Thank the Goddess for him. Without him I would have nothing.

But lately for those of you that are in constant contact none of this is a surprise. But my husband is still somewhat manic. He and I got in a huge fight. I started yelling and screaming at him ( which I know is childish and ineffectual) because he wouldn't get out of bed again to go to work. He does this daily. I just got so fed up with being his mother and caretaker. I have a 3 year old son and he is hard enough to handle. I don't need and overgrown teenager to deal with too. I have to tell him when to take his medicine and make sure he takes it. I have to get him out of bed every day with a struggle to go to work. I have to ask him if he has washed his clothes for work. I have to make his food and he doesn't want to eat it. I have to make sure we have groceries. I have to clean the house with very little help from him without constant nagging.

Basically I am tired of all of it. I told him I wasn't doing him any more favors till he started treating me with respect. And that I wasn't going to pick him up from work till we talked it out. He just proceeded to call me all day berating me and threatening to quit his job if I didn't pick him up. Finally I called him back and said that if we could work things out and he would treat me better I would pick him up. And I did. He didn't speak to me. I dropped him off at his friends house to be with them for the evening ( his regularly scheduled game night). He still didn't speak to me. He got home at 11pm and he went to bed. He still didn't speak to me. He was too tired. So the next morning when the alarm went off I didn't get up to take him to work. He got angry and wanted me to take him. He yanked the blankets off me and my 3 year old kid. My child was whining to stay in bed. Mind you it is now 5 am. My husband threatens to take the rental car we have. He isn't allowed to drive it because he isn't on the paperwork. So I hid the keys. I have also had his ATM card since last week when his mania started. So he is tearing the house apart to find it. I didn't say anything other than lets have a calm conversation and we can work this out and you will be on your way to work. He didn't like that and he called the police. They said it wasn't an emergency so he called local police and told them of an impending domestic violence situation to get them to the house. I of course was sitting calmly in my pj's. I wasn't about to hit him. But I guess he was angry enough to make the police believe it. The cops show up and he is calm outside. So they tell me since the ATM is in his name and regardless of his Bipolar he gets to have his ATM back. Sorry that it will most likely cost a ton of money. And that I should call his doc when they open up.

Later that day he calls and asks if I want to look for a car that night. I didn't want to shop for a car when so much was wrong with us. So he decided that he would stay at a friends house. And since all of this he has now missed 5 doses of his meds. And my friend saw him last night at the movies and thinks he has been drinking. Which is definitely bad for his Bipolar.

So what to do now? Do I wait for him to come home? Do I try to talk things over with him? Do I say forget all of this and try to find my own place and my own car? All of the options seem to suck to me. I don't know what to think or what to do.

Goddess Bless )o(

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Husband is Hypomanic

Well as of today we are having a little problem with my husband. He is in the middle of another episode. He hasn't been sleeping much for the last few days. And he has been throwing up every day because his meds make him sick to his stomach. So he hasn't had enough of his meds in his system. I gave him some of his Zyprexa, which is his heavy duty anti-psychotic last night to get him to sleep. But he hasn't been sleeping much yet. I was just hoping to keep him from going into the hospital again. But if he gets any worse today I will be taking him back to the hospital. So I just need to wait a little while. If he gets better enough to wait till Monday I can talk to his doc then. If not it is off to the emergency room.

Hopefully all will go well and I will be sure to update when I have time.